Friday, January 21, 2011

The Hearts Angst

She stands with toes at waters edge
watching the tide that never ends
she drops all from her hands
and lets the ocean breeze in

The wind has carried away her hair
making a tumbled mess
that briefly covers her eyes

There is no need for her to see
for her heart hears the steps
of angst and waiting
of wishes unfulfilled and dreams
swirling about still riddled with giddiness
that will not leave
as easily as she desire

She waits on waters edge
toes into the sand and hands empty
she reaches down to gather what she can
sand and shells
bits of dried grasses
only to watch it fall
in random patterns all about

Nothing changes
no one arrives on winds of sea
Nor along with sands
that have been dried by the mid mornings sun

She falls to the ground gently on knees
and lets her head sink to feel the beach give way
Tears mix with water and swirl about

Salt and sand
Sun and beach
Nothing in hand

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Musings of a Single Mom

There are many musings to share from my brain so cluttered since I have not slowed down to write in a while. First, let's start with a funny observation. My keyboard pull out on the computer desk holds my bowl of oatmeal perfectly. It is keeping it warm while tucked away and my sleeve is unable to dip into it. Kudos to me for figuring this out. You might think this is an odd observation and quite random but if you knew everything that was in my head, no comments or posts would seem random. My pull out does not hold my keyboard, it holds my tray of beads, my portfolio and my oatmeal. The keyboard sits happily on top of the desk in front of the flat screen monitor which was so lovingly gifted upon me. Thank you cousin!

Finding Abigail is a constant endeavor. Being a single mom makes this journey a long and windy one. It is my own personal struggle of balance between wanting a family to come home to that consists of more than just my children and being all too aware that this may never happen. I am on a search for best friends, happy memories and hopefully before the end of my life I will have found someone that can not get enough of me. This works in reverse too.

So "you" want to go out on any given night and everyone is busy or sleeping. So you call no one and for yet another night you entertain yourself. If you stay at home too long, you go stir crazy. You head out and the reaction is mixed. You get stares, conversation, compliments, dances, and the occasional rude encounter. I could never understand why people in general were so surprised that a woman would go out on her own. It is not 1890 people and I am not in corsets and riding side saddle on a horse or being driven in a handsome cab. I do not put myself in danger or enter places that a lady would not want to be seen in. I do seek out fun, music and good food. If you look like a friendly bunch of people, I may invite myself to sit at your table.

Let's examine that last sentence. Remember what we are looking for? Conversation, friends, fun and happy memories all the while keeping in mind that yes, a house full of more than just three is welcomed. For the most part, people welcome this friendly invasion. Only on one occasion have I been asked to leave a table and I left so quickly and discreetly. My rambling point here I suppose is "ya people just need to all relax". I'm not out to steal your bff, bf, spouse, house, car or anything of the sorts. I bring plenty to the table and can carry on a pretty good conversation. I will not however discuss a few topics in depth and those would include politics and religion. I am not at all political and while I am religious I am not overly so. Everyone has their opinion and has a right to speak it, that is what makes this country great.

The all important factor here in my life. Kids. Two wonderful kids that I am caring for and making a life for. Not the life I had thought but still a life and I am determined to show them that life is good. I must insert a note is this desire of mine to show them that I can provide a life on my own for them that keeps me going. It is also the very same desire that makes me feel unworthy of a life outside of them. Any single parent out there will understand this comment and know it is a fleeting thought.

My children are also my biggest concern as well they should be. Again, I mention this fleeting thought that I often feel I have no business having a personal or social life because I need to be here for my kids. On the flip side, I believe if you do not take care of your own needs no matter what they may be, you will not be able to care for your kids. So I let the guilt slide away in the tears and I pull up my boot straps, head into another day of work and several times a month I wander off on my own to make merry.

On other occasions I play with tinker toys or take my daughter out to dinner. I put up with objects getting thrown at me from my son and I laugh as he rolls on the floor amongst 200 or more pennies. I watch as my daughter rolls her eyes at me and walks away in exasperation. My eyes widen in amazement when my daughter actually says that she likes me. My eyes widen in pain as pebbles hit my head because my son thinks its great fun to throw them and listen to me squeal. You may have guessed that my kids are not the same ago and you have guessed correctly. My daughter is 19 and my son will be three soon.

This also makes a great topic for conversation and gets especially wide eyed looks when conversing with potential suitors. Let's all admit that it doesn't get any easier as you get older to date. Throw in kids of any age and it just got harder. Throw in a strong minded woman that has occasional relapses into mush and it just got doubly harder. Add in she doesn't sleep much, often spends far too much time wandering beaches to gather up shells that must come home, writes endlessly or has her hands in clay and fingers wrapped around wire. Toss in the need to dance to music even when there is no dance floor and add one cat who thinks he is a dog. This is my life. Welcome 2011!! Bring on the happiness....