At times I do not write for I can not sort out what I wish to say. When I can not do this, I make jewelry, do chores, walk, kick sand, have a couple cocktails. Sometimes writing helps me to sort things out so, I am hoping that tonight this is the case.
I feel as if ...
I have no more feeling.
I have no point to the feelings.
I have no direction or motivation.
Just stumbling in the dark. This week, I have killed eight ants, one entire blog, one website, one dating profile which was up for one day, my hopes and dreams, my desire for something more. I've probably killed someones faith in me and what I believe in, I don't know anymore.
I can't take back killing the ants. I could undo killing the blog if I did it today but I do not wish to. I don't care about the dating site or anyone on it. I don't care to work on the website.
I don't know how to get back my motivation or my desire at the moment but I am sure it will come to me. I am going thru my own greiving of sorts and I can't even say why. Life is a drag and then you die.
I didn't want to spend my last decades alone, as in without a significant other but it seems in this case I am doomed. I know, I know. Whatever. But really, after two years of being single and having the occasional boyfriend I feel as if I have come to a crossroads.
I don't want to date. I don't want a boyfriend. I want to be someone's forever and it never works out. It seems no matter which way I approach it the outcome is always the same.
Being single is not a bad thing, don't get me wrong. But this girl wasn't made to be single. My heart calls out for another and no one answers. So, as much as I write about love and all of its lovely words...
Often, I write with vivid imagination and memories for more often than not, I have no one.