Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Lost and Found

Closing thought .....

I vowed to never again lose myself in a man
which I didn't
I actually found myself in a man....

Fling the Gnat

Just like the incessant little pest deserves! Imagine the gnat, cute in all aspects but really just a pest. He minds his own business which is pretty much spent occupying the space close enough to your ear for you to feel his wings buzz and whir. His high pitched fever whirl wind buzzing, diving and then just simply pissing you off.

I do this, fling the gnat. Call it what you may but its figurative for so many stressors in life. I could also say "flick the seed". Imagine the seeds that plant themselves in your brain and your heart. The seeds of fear and doubt which just like a pesty little gnat needs to be flung away. Take the seed between your able fingers long before it plants itself and fling it away into oblivion. Do not argue with the seed or try and reason with it. Do not give it nourishment or acknowledgment of any kind. Simply banish it before it takes hold.

As you watch the seed catapult from your fingers you can actually feel the stress leave. There is no need to reason it away for it no longer exists. You have ridden your beautiful garden of the pest before it took hold. Yes, obviously a metaphor but not such an obvious one to some readers. The gnat or seed is doubt and fear. We do not need to let these into our life.

Doubt weakens our beliefs and fear stops us from believing. Let either one in and everything we have worked for is gone. My life is an English garden, wandering and without what seems to be a plan but when viewed from the right angle is magical and quite complex. I gather all that is around me and I cherish these things. I love people for a lifetime and let go of all fear and doubt.

Someday my garden will be complete and I will stand in the middle with the sun on my face while the scent of lilacs fill the air. Laughter intermixes with songs of blue birds and butterflies make merry while enjoying the bounty. I tell myself these things but in all reality, they are only said to keep fear and doubt away.

Fear does not come into play so much. I do not fear death, debt or loss of loved ones. I have endured these things already. Doubt. Doubt is a nasty little pest. I realize I do not fear doubt either. It is a nasty little pest that is so small and insignificant that I do not register it. It is the wondering if I have made a difference in someones life. This is what I fear, I fear I have not.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Little to None

I cried more than I slept last night. This incessant river of tears caused me to wake with swollen eyes and an aching heart. I let these tears run sideways from one eye into another and stain my pillow. I opened this aching heart up wide this evening to let it all out so that I may hopefully heal and get back to my life. I pray for no more sleepless nights.

If I were to be selfish, I would pray for so much more but I know better than to ask for things that will never come. I have lived my life out on a limb, reaching for the last blossom only to find that it has withered away. My heart and mind go hand in hand, working on piecing themselves back together.

My daughter made an observation today that for someone who is so "normal" and doesn't like drama I certainly seem to have a lot of it in my life and most of the time it is not my doing.

Praying for peace, bliss and harmony for all. May the rain wash away all sadness and if this does not come to fruition, remember who walks by your side always and will not fail you. GOD.