Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Lost and Found

Closing thought .....

I vowed to never again lose myself in a man
which I didn't
I actually found myself in a man....

Fling the Gnat

Just like the incessant little pest deserves! Imagine the gnat, cute in all aspects but really just a pest. He minds his own business which is pretty much spent occupying the space close enough to your ear for you to feel his wings buzz and whir. His high pitched fever whirl wind buzzing, diving and then just simply pissing you off.

I do this, fling the gnat. Call it what you may but its figurative for so many stressors in life. I could also say "flick the seed". Imagine the seeds that plant themselves in your brain and your heart. The seeds of fear and doubt which just like a pesty little gnat needs to be flung away. Take the seed between your able fingers long before it plants itself and fling it away into oblivion. Do not argue with the seed or try and reason with it. Do not give it nourishment or acknowledgment of any kind. Simply banish it before it takes hold.

As you watch the seed catapult from your fingers you can actually feel the stress leave. There is no need to reason it away for it no longer exists. You have ridden your beautiful garden of the pest before it took hold. Yes, obviously a metaphor but not such an obvious one to some readers. The gnat or seed is doubt and fear. We do not need to let these into our life.

Doubt weakens our beliefs and fear stops us from believing. Let either one in and everything we have worked for is gone. My life is an English garden, wandering and without what seems to be a plan but when viewed from the right angle is magical and quite complex. I gather all that is around me and I cherish these things. I love people for a lifetime and let go of all fear and doubt.

Someday my garden will be complete and I will stand in the middle with the sun on my face while the scent of lilacs fill the air. Laughter intermixes with songs of blue birds and butterflies make merry while enjoying the bounty. I tell myself these things but in all reality, they are only said to keep fear and doubt away.

Fear does not come into play so much. I do not fear death, debt or loss of loved ones. I have endured these things already. Doubt. Doubt is a nasty little pest. I realize I do not fear doubt either. It is a nasty little pest that is so small and insignificant that I do not register it. It is the wondering if I have made a difference in someones life. This is what I fear, I fear I have not.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Little to None

I cried more than I slept last night. This incessant river of tears caused me to wake with swollen eyes and an aching heart. I let these tears run sideways from one eye into another and stain my pillow. I opened this aching heart up wide this evening to let it all out so that I may hopefully heal and get back to my life. I pray for no more sleepless nights.

If I were to be selfish, I would pray for so much more but I know better than to ask for things that will never come. I have lived my life out on a limb, reaching for the last blossom only to find that it has withered away. My heart and mind go hand in hand, working on piecing themselves back together.

My daughter made an observation today that for someone who is so "normal" and doesn't like drama I certainly seem to have a lot of it in my life and most of the time it is not my doing.

Praying for peace, bliss and harmony for all. May the rain wash away all sadness and if this does not come to fruition, remember who walks by your side always and will not fail you. GOD.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Time Flies....

Wow, It has been more than a month since I have visited here. No words have laid to rest anywhere except on my tongue ever so briefly. I have spent countless hours conversing with my best friend over the past month but have taken no time to write anything down.

What has kept me so busy that I have failed to pay attention to my first love? Writing, that is. I'm going to list them for you in a seemingly random fashion...

Summer...which brings another distraction...sunshine...which leads to the beach which brings another distraction....water!...which brings another distraction...a comfy stretch of sand...which brings yet another distraction...a log! While I sit at this log, I contemplate all the pretty little things swirling about my head. Love, men, connection, campfires, marshmellows, kids, shovels to dig in the shimmering sand and life.

I love summer and as it winds down I welcome the cool night air, the stars that blink at me and although this may seem silly, I welcome the neighborhood dogs that wander around with tennis balls in their mouths. They wag their tails, they do not drop their ball and it seems they smile at me through their grey whiskers and I catch a glint of mischief in their sparkling eyes. They love summer too, it seems.

Autumn is sneaking up on us....

Monday, July 26, 2010

Hello Brain, Meet my Heart

I am beginning to wonder...

What man would meet, date and eventually successfully marry an artist of any type. Notice I said successfully. Simple, artists are not. Complex, intelligent and tasty. Not to mention often spiced with a sense of humor even while being unable to recite actual jokes, like me. I am joke handicapped.

I would love to hear from my followers, many of you are artists. We are unique, to say the least. We usually have multiple interests and don't sit idle for long. This writing at the computer is the closest I come to sitting still. Many of you, like me are more than likely also insomniacs. God forbid we miss out on starlight, moonlight or daylight for that matter. There just is not enough time in the day, seriously for all that I want and need to do.

I am not joking when I say I want to open my own cafe/coffee house complete with clothes closet and soup kitchen. In it I would also have a gift shop area to sell handcrafted items and if able, I would offer boarding either for people on the spectrum or the broken hearted. This last one is a new concept that I am sure my business plan writer will have a field day with. I want to offer temporary housing to women who have no where to go and have to or want to leave their husbands.

And yes, I am growing my hair out for Locks of Love. This is going to be as tough as opening my own brick and mortar store. Already, I am not liking the way my hair is laying. I need a hat. I have ventured to Target twice and tried them on, even found one I like a lot. But it is WOOL and it is summer!

I am rambling and my words are getting a bit off topic. Where was I going with this? I know....

I consider myself an artist. I am in no particular hurry to meet someone new. I really should concentrate on my goals. Refer to my other blog to read on those. Publish, school, work, jewelry, store. Those are my goals in a nutshell. I write on four blogs, associatedcontent.com, in journals and now, I am writing a story. I also create jewelry and small sculptures and beads with clay. I can paint a little and do rub on art. I took a few lamp working classes and if I kept it up, I may be ok. I once learned to play the violin. I even dabbled in stamping. I can sew, bake and decorate.

My thought here is who the heck is going to understand all that I want to do and all that is in my head and give me the time and space to do it? All the while remembering that I tend to give 200% and will make the time for people in my life. Especially someone who would understand and embrace my thoughts and lifestyle. That's another subject. I have forgone china, big houses, cable tv and more to live simply to create. Not only does a person have to understand that but they have to be non judgmental, patient and passionate. They would have to look past my skull and cross bone tennis shoes, my silver spoon rings, my gunmetal nail polish and see my soul.

These things I wear, they are like a shield against what I will call suits. God love them and someone has to be them but I want someone willing to be silly. I have never met a "suit" that was silly. That same person would also have to sit down and drink coffee with me and stick their nose in a book or watch old movies and play Monopoly, Scrabble and Yahtzee. If they loved the sound of water as much as race cars then even better!

Yep, hello brain, meet my heart.

Let's face it. Not only are we artist types not simple folks but brain, heart, soul, physical, mental...all connected. Dot to dot. I have met some that are close to this that are not artists. But it seems I meet many that have a broken chain. No dot to dot, something is missing.

Another goal of mine is to change the world one word at a time. If I can make you question, think, analyze, make a change in your life or someone else's then, I have done well.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Must You Ask? For I am in Waiting

I am at that point today, in waiting. Feeling like something is about to happen and I can not leave the house for I feel like I might miss something if I do. I have many thoughts rattling about in my head that won't come together for I find myself fighting them. When I put myself in this predicament, I read my previous writings to try and gain insight. Funny thought, isn't it? To gain insight into yourself.

The questions that are asked by me or other people seem to be the same. Or perhaps we are just fishing for the same answers. I am unable to lie so when I am presented with a question I am not ready for I simply say "I don't know". It's not a lie really; it’s just that I truly don't know. I don't know if I am ready to answer the question that is. An even better admission is I am not ready to tell myself the answer.

I need a place to retreat to and I am physically unable to do so. Hours and hours will pass before I am able to truly retreat. I am finding I want and require more "head space". I can no longer find it where I am at. I can usually accomplish this separation of space, head and heart no matter where I am geographically. Frustration of the task not completed is small; almost none, for I know there is no way around it. I just accept it. When the time is right, I will find what I need.

Sometimes answering your own questions require the most space. In the past, I had busied myself with multiple tasks in order to push my thoughts away until I felt I had time for them. Now, I wish not to be so busy. I am not in a hurry nor do I wish to be. I am hoping life cooperates on this small detail with me and I can take the time I need to make the right decisions. For now, yes..I am in waiting. But this waiting will be brief and the answers will come. Everything is tied together in a nice, artistic way as if gossamer ribbon carefully holds it all together.

I am thinking this not wanting to leave the house is not so much a feeling that I will miss something but rather I will set things into motion faster by leaving. It is not as if I can slow things any by hiding away. I only need moments of clarity and the will to speak my mind without worry what others will think. If I hesitate, it is because I have wandered this path before and my words were not heard. The words were heard but not believed. I will try again to say them, different words this time but still with the same intent and feeling behind them.

It takes courage to speak any words, let alone the full naked truth. Are you ready to listen to anyone approaching you today with all the words that spill out?

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Acceptance and Deep Waters

"Sometimes in our search for love and acceptance we are eager to grab onto the first thing that comes our way. We are blind. This doesn't make us any less deserving or important. It doesn't make us any less sincere or lame in any way. It makes us human and more importantly, shows we have a heart which in the end may be seem a little worse for wear but is actually stronger and more capable of greater acts of love."

The above is what I wrote to a friend recently who is looking for a connection with someone. Not marriage, more than friendship but a true connection. I think the majority of us are looking for a true connection with someone even if it be a life long friend. I believe that sometimes connections are started long before we realize it. How do you remember a name of someone and not another? How is it that you feel comfortable with a person after a very short time together as if you have been together your whole life?

More importantly at least in my mind at the moment is if the longevity of a relationship will be affected if you voice your pleasure in these things. I always thought if a person cared for you on the same level then, sharing your thoughts would only cement things. Now, I am beginning to wonder if it is the opposite...you know, like bad cement. Cement that weighs things down and makes you feel claustrophobic to the point of wanting to be deaf so you don't have to hear the words spoken to you.

Additionally, I am not even sure labels are appropriate. Labels like "relationship". Does this just box us in even further? I have never thought this way before. I am now because I like someone that I want to treat rather delicately because I want to keep him around. Delicate is a funny word to use in the same train of thought with this man. I don't believe there is anything delicate about him but I could be wrong. Men are so different.

I like the way he walks and dips towards me so he can get closer to talk. I watch his movements and am feeling a bit drawn in by him. His kisses take my breath away and even make me pause. I love the sound of his voice and how sometimes I hear softness in it. I am in "it" and I know it.

Its like being in a lake and realizing your in the deep water. You welcome it, the coolness and the buoyancy of your body while there. You can float away and dream and not have a care. Light streaks through the water and mesmerizes you. It could be moonlight or sunlight, it makes no difference for now you are finding you would rather stay awake to savor all of life's moments.

A happy life is made up of these, little moments that we don't want to let go of. Special people that without even trying make our world a better place. In my world; the sun is always shining, the birds are always singing and the rain when it falls plays music as it lands.

I always reread my posts before actually publishing them. I feel the need to explain about special people and being "blind". Everyone has something very special about them, unique to them. When someone shares insight, a talent, their time or knowledge it is a special thing. They are sharing bits of themselves and I appreciate these things. You don't have to be extremely important, hold a high level job or be a rock star to be special. I find things in almost every person I know that are unique and special to them and I enjoy finding them out.

On the subject of being "blind". We don't always know we are behaving this way. I say behaving because we all know I do not mean literally we can not see. We choose not to see certain things in the midst of a relationship. We can be blind to some things and make allowances for others. Often, we discover we are willing to overlook things we never thought we could. We do this because all of the special things about a person outweighs that one thing that maybe before would have mattered.

I am walking with my eyes wide open and loving life. Life is too short to live with regrets and also too short to spend worrying about things that will more than likely never come to fruition.

Blessings to all,

Sunday, May 30, 2010

In the Midst

In the midst of turmoil and uncertainty
I shall be your rock
for I am steady and sure

You may look at me and wonder
how can it be
a woman

but that I am
your rock
for although not formidable in size or stance
I make up for these things
with courage
heart and soul

Feb 27th, 2010

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Princess In The Tower

I love a good conversation about just about anything. When my phone rang last night I knew this would be a good one. Phone calls, out of the blue are always the best. It turned out to be a conversation about relationships. A question was put forth...Do women want to be the princess who needs to be saved? This can be taken so many ways and I do tend to look at every angle but like most respond with the answer that most easily pops into my head. We will get to that later. Second part of question, Do women know how to be the princess and Why aren't they allowing themselves to be the princess?

First off, let's paint a picture of sorts. The princess is in distress but not necessarily in a horrible or dangerous predicament. It is the soft side men are looking for, the vulnerability we don't show because we are scared too. This is the result of broken hearts, disappointment and years of having to take care of ourselves. The feminist movement was great for a lot of things but it did take away the princess.

Can you be vulnerable enough to be the princess and still be independent? Yes, I think so. Find a balance and let a man do a nice thing for you. It can be as simple as deciding where to go to dinner or bringing you home a soda without you asking him to. This doesn't make you any less a woman; in fact it makes you more of one. Being vulnerable doesn't mean we lose ourselves to the point of invisibility.

We have now discussed an example of how to be the princess and why we don't allow ourselves to be the princess. Men need to be needed just like we want to be needed. If we can do everything for ourselves, what do we need a man for? Maybe we don't need them but boy, when we have good one in our life you have to admit it makes things sweeter.

So, be the princess. Put your trust in someone on a small scale and let him or her buy you that soda. On a large scale, things get a little more complicated. Isn't that what life is all about? Complicated doesn't have to mean life is unsatisfying. Taking chances and letting the Lords slay the dragon can be a good thing. Check out his smile as you commend him on a job well done. Watch him grow in confidence in himself and you as these things come to be.

We are to walk at Adams side, not in front or behind him. We are equals in many ways but must allow Adam to choose the path. My answer to the question: "Do women want to be the princess who needs to be saved?" Yes, but I do not need to be saved. Correction, I was thinking of the larger picture and not the small daily ones. I do want and need to be saved like most women. For a man to make an effort to hold a door, give a compliment, pick the milk up on the way home may seem like small gestures but they are welcome ones. The bigger picture falls into place when we let these happen.

Friday, May 21, 2010

All Glumness Aside

Life is about the living, not the dead. I do not dwell on such morbid things as death and loved ones that are already gone. Not to say that I forget easily either when I lose a loved one. In death, things are final at least for the ones still left here on earth. This finality is something I am seeking out. Finality doesn't have to mean an ending, it can also be a beginning. It is the finality of knowing where you stand with someone or a situation. Clearness and clarity is the same in this case as finality.

Unfortunately, in life we deal with other people, emotions and circumstances out of our control. We are in control of nothing but ourselves and at times we are not even in control of that. I repeat something said to me recently "Do not mistake unchecked emotions for love". Really, isn't that what love is all about is unchecked emotions? Letting go and letting someone in. Check your pretense, your ego and your coat at the door, thank you. Love encompasses so much but I do believe there is a certain truth to love being unchecked emotions.

If we keep ourselves in check all of the time how do we let one in? How do we open the door and let love happen? It's a balance, I know. You do have to keep yourself in check at times. Let's say your heart isn't ready because you have not let go of a past relationship then, you must keep yourself in check. You must have the time to sort out these emotions and heal otherwise there is no moving on.

I was to put all glumness aside and here I am on the most serious topic I could have picked today besides death. It must be the glumness outside setting my mood. Gray skies for as far as I can see and rain most of the day. I do like rain but paired with the gray skies and my mood, I wish for....oh, who are we kidding? I like that the sky matches my mood of the day.

Let the sun come tomorrow along with clarity, clearness and finality. Impatience in some matters is a fault of mine and if I put it in my head that these things will come tomorrow, possibly I will be accepting of them.

Memories and Memorial Day

Good morning to all,

Today's post may be a bit somber. I am thinking of the upcoming Memorial Day weekend and events that happened nearly three decades ago on said weekend. I was living with my dad in a small house he had built on top an equally small mountain. My bed was located on what was actually the porch and it was built of cinder blocks and plywood. Just a step or two away was the shower that was supplied water from a very large barrel that also sat in the room. Just outside the walls was the generator that dad had built from a car motor to run what electric things we had. Pump for shower and sink water, television and radio, that was the extent of electric ran items.

There was no air conditioning and in the winter the house was warmed by a cast iron stove/fireplace that dad had outfitted in some manner to make it more efficient. I can only remember one very large window which overlooked the gorge in front of which was placed a dining table. This is not only all I remember of it but it is all there was to it. No paint on the walls, no carpet or flooring except the plywood and there was not even an inside toilet.

I lived here briefly and was living there when my mom passed away unexpectedly. It was in that makeshift bedroom, that I slept within when the Sheriff came to the small house on the mountain in the middle of the night. He knocked on the door and my dad heard him before I did. I woke to see the house door open and my dad talking with the Sheriff. He woke me and we first went to the neighbors house then, on into town to my mom's house. I don't remember if I had a key or if we just walked in. It was a small town and often we didn't lock the house.

My brother was not home and it was going to be me and my dad to tell him what happened. The very fact that both of us were in the house when he returned told him something was terribly wrong. Honestly, I don't remember how the words came out but I remember a lot of anger flying through the house. My brother was a bit of a hot head and in the days to come said some very ugly things. According to the angry young man that was my brother, I killed my mom.

To set the record straight, she died of a brain aneurysm. Got a headache, got sick to her stomach, laid on the bed and waited for her boyfriend to bring her a glass of water and aspirin and was gone before he returned. Her boyfriend was Silas, I hope her brought her happiness in those last days. Lord knows she had a rocky life and deserved a little peace. This is where my brother got the idea that I killed her, not that I literally physically killed her but that the stress of me not living there did it.

I suppose now you are wondering why I was not living there at that time. I was sixteen years old and both of my parents were alcoholics. I chose the lesser of two evils you could say. Many people do not know this of my family or me, some guess and some have asked. Some may not want to know for it soils what nice memories they have of her. Just remember she was a single woman, under a lot of stress and up against the world that had been unkind to her. I have forgiven her and I am sure God has.

The other things you may not care to know....both of my parents were abusive in some way. Children of divorce go through terrible wrenching times when the adults can not communicate and deal with each other nicely. This of course holds true even in households where the parents are still married. Our house was always chaotic even before the divorce. Words, people and objects being thrown about were not uncommon. This is why I picked the lesser of two evils. One late afternoon with my friend in tow, I left my house with nothing more than a bag of quickly thrown together items after my mother had slapped me across the face. This was not the first time and she did it while drunk.

I walked out and that was the last time I saw her alive. That night, I first went to my pastors house and he called her to let her know where I was. My friend and I spent at least two nights rambling about, sleeping at different houses where friends would put us up. We did end up at my dad's house and stayed there. All in all, it wasn't bad because he wasn't there a lot. I was allowed to drive the car into town, I did laundry at the laundromat at the next town and I did grocery shopping. He left me alone and I felt like an adult for the first time.

Looking back, I am sure this killed my mom. Not actually killed her, but in spirit I disappointed her for I went and lived with the man who caused her so much grief over the years. Sometimes you do not know of events until decades later for your mind blocks them out. I remember enough and know enough that I steer clear of anything that might resemble abuse whether it be verbal or physical. Breaking the cycle even when you don't remember all the details of your own childhood is not only a healthy thing to do but the only thing to do. Anyone who can not do this on their own needs to see what they are doing, admit it is wrong and get help immediately.

Back to Memorial Day weekend....

I was a senior in high school when my mom died. I had to return to school, take final exams, help pick out my mothers casket and clothes for her to wear, attend a funeral and dinner then, say goodbye to my little town and friends. I did all of this, lost my mom, broke the news to my brother, planned a funeral, took finals and moved all within a few days.

My mother's brother and his family took me in. I didn't need to stay with my dad, it was a good move. I have always loved my aunt and uncle and having them become my family was not only God's answer to my mess of a life but a blessing I enjoy to this day. They did get legal guardianship of me and look over me to this day. They are my rock and foundation.

God bless,

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Catalyst, Catapult and Caution

Several months back, in fact as far back as September my life catapulted in a different direction. Once I choose a path there is most certainly no turning back. I am not quick to make judgments nor do I voice them right away. I take my time to assess, examine the facts and my feelings about them before I proceed. Proceed with caution....

Except when it comes to love. It seems love strikes me blind and I forget all common sense. I am taken in, wrapped up in its world and I forget all else around me. This kind of love makes you crazy. It puts you on the highest highs and the lowest of lows. If I could love and keep my senses about me, that would be perfection. I have found this kind of love or had, I thought just once. Examining the past I know what I felt before was mixed emotions, but not love.

Once love has let me down, I do all I can to explain it away. I find ways to distract from it, forget it and even discredit it. Failure to do so confuses me and I feel only time will heal this wound. There is no action or communication to set my thoughts in any other direction. As soon as I start to get this planted in my head, a little line comes through...a note....an email....a doubt from somewhere within. Why can I not let it go? Simple, really. Because he has not let me and I have not let myself.

The catalyst....a man from my past. More than two decades went by without a word from him and he contacted me to find out what went wrong with us. I won't get into this story. Let's just say that having someone from that long ago remind you that it is never to late for love or to start over sends a pretty strong message. No, we are not together nor will we ever be. He just happened to speak the right words at the right time since I was already headed down the path to my own happiness and rediscovery.

So, we revisit caution once again. I forgot caution and didn't have my armor on. Love should not need such words as caution and armor. What it needs are reinforcements in the way of respect, communication and devotion. How many chances do you give love and how much caution do you exercise when doing so? I always say I will be hard and level headed but we all know that once we are within touching range of our love that all common sense and caution catapults out the door.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Good Man Wanted

This should read like a classified ad but its more like a long story....They don’t seem to exist anymore, good men that is. If you know a man that is artistic, creative, loves food and music and kids...can hold a conversation about more than just the weather and isn’t a stuffed shirt...he must have sense of humor...must be patient but also be a MAN....should have some manners and know how to treat a lady....my list goes on and on....I would love to meet such a man in the future even if its just for the occasional dinner.

Let's do that over....


One good man. Preferably over 6 ft tall. Weight not really an issue if you are some what fit. Hair and eye color unimportant. Must love good food, music, dancing and art. Art doesn't have to be the type in a museum, alternative types are encouraged to apply. Must have a sense of humor, be patient, respectful and be willing to be spontaneous. Said man must also not be so respectful that we can't have fun. Dancing can be done at home, under the stars or during an evening out. Knowledge of cooking is a plus and an interest in cooking foods that do not come prepared or in a box is even better. He must now how to treat a lady in all aspects, including but not limited to greetings, phone calls, affection, romance and if things are not progressing along nicely then he must know how to speak up and say so with delicacy but clearness. Loving children and animals is an absolute must. Redneck attitudes and close mindedness not appreciated. In addition, dimwits, players and momma's boys need not apply.

If such a man exists....... Lord, let such a man exist... let's hope he can survive the world long enough to find me ready for him. Amen.

Dropping All Pretense

I am no longer in limbo, somehow it seems. I do not know how my mind set changed for my physical location has not yet changed. The melancholy, hurt and anger has given way to bewilderment. My new task is to learn to trust myself again, forgive myself and enjoy what life has to offer.

Offerings....the morning sky offers promise of a beautiful day filled with song put forth by the birds that scatter about when I open the door.

The length of the day is filled with a bit of chaos that when I step back I can enjoy it for the silliness that it is. Ten feet of foil strung through the dining room, motorcycles and cars piled on top of me when I nap and stick horses that have come to rest and snack on my piles of paperwork.

When the evening happens upon me and if I have not yet ventured out I find I must do so before the sun has completely left the sky. The nights crisp air is most definitely welcomed and I do not shy away from the darkness of it.

There are times when I can not find the words and remain silent. This will not happen often, if it does you must wonder to yourself how this woman that writes endlessly can be speechless? The words are there, in my head, my heart and stuck at the back of my throat. When I find myself in this predicament, do I look at you with bewilderment? It is the look of searching, trying to find the words to put out to you so you understand.

I was told this evening that I do not have the capability to hate someone nor am I able to hold onto anger for long. This is a nice trait I suppose but one that makes some life situations more difficult for myself and this is why I often find myself planted here. Here, at the simple computer table next to the dining room window, music on and pillow stuck under me for comfort.

I sort things out here, sometimes on the blog, sometimes in email to my best friend and sometimes in emails that never get sent. I would like to get back to the point where I can inspire you and lift you up. In the meantime, I am working on lifting myself up. This is something I feel I must do on my own and luckily, I don't have far to go.....

The Burn at End of Day

The melancholy has burnt off in the most peculiar way
just like the end of day

With sweeping sunsets orange and pink
leaving trails and traces in the sky

My mind at the moment
is uncommonly bewildered
at best

Not feeling a sense of finality
has done this to me

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

A Little Bit of Sympathy

Robin Trower...A little bit of Sympathyis kicking out my speakers as I gather my thoughts...I sat down not knowing what I would write this evening and I must say instead of writing I wish I had someone to dance with. You really can't listen to this and not want to get up and move.

I am not needing a little bit of sympathy. I am quite clear in my thoughts and all melancholy, anger and hurt is gone. Well, almost all the hurt is gone. Funny how quickly it goes when you let it. This started a ways back actually and it just took time to cement the idea in my head.

I love that music can change your whole day, change your thoughts and lift you up. It can of course, do the opposite and let you land smack down on your face. I tend to program music into my Jango station that inspires in some way. Hearing the highs and lows of each instrument, each note...I rise and fall with it. I am in the music and the music is in me.

Deep bass, pounding drums and bits of snare mixed with sultry voices and melodic singing out...I hear swagger, richness and wanton abandonment. Angelic whispers paired with grunts hang about the air just at the tip of my tingling ears. You see, I need no sympathy for as long as I have this...this gift of imagination, distraction and creation I need nothing further than what is within my reach.

I can reach far.....

So Who is Abigail?

Abigail is a name I chose for myself around the age of twelve, I believe. My best friend and I both had chosen names and would walk the fields and speak great love stories out loud. Such dreamers we were and still are although we have had enough of a dose of reality to see through the clouds.

Abigail is me. Strong, independent and sincere. The list of words I would use to describe myself is long, actually. I once had someone tell me I was "32 flavors and then some". I think that pretty well sums me up. If you prefer simple, I am not your cup of tea.

My interests in music range everywhere from symphonic to rock and my food interests differ just as much. I can tinker with computers, watches and card swipe machines. I can also crochet just one stitch, design jewelry and create small pieces of art using rub on designs, gilded pens and paints. I have been a member of a rock club and at one time could not only identify many of them but nearly all the plants in my region as well.

I love to dance with my shoes off and don't care if my hose get ruined. I have been to roof top parties and formal catered affairs. I enjoy both equally. I have never gone to a tanning bed and I have only had my nails done in a salon less than three times. I often cut and color my own hair.

I enjoy the hunt for treasures and will spend hours in either antique or thrift stores. Most of my belongings come from one or the other. This hunt I go on involves touching items, rubbing them gently if allowed and taking home what calls out to me. It can be a vintage beaded necklace, a glass bottle or a small piece of furniture.

There are other treasures I enjoy. Walking barefoot in the sand and curling my toes deep into it. The sound of crashing water on rocks, the pitter patter of rain on the roof or the gentle rush of a creek. Dusk....I may shame myself by not describing dusk to its fullness. The glow of orange and pinks, the blurriness of the sky as the day melts away....the welcoming of dark and the moon.

You see, Abigail loves life and many things around her. Abigail and I, one and the same. Pedaling a bike so fast you can't keep up, swinging so high and holding so tight onto the chains that your hands turn red. Four wheeling, driving fast and target practice both at an indoor range and as a young girl in a field. These are all things I have done and enjoyed.

That is a glimpse of Abigail. Abigail writes not only on blogs but poetry and short stories. Poetry may not show up here for it shows a raw side and at the same time I don't mind that so much but what I do mind is thinking it would be "public domain". It is my domain that I wish to share with you at another time. I have shared bits of it at times with certain people and when I share it the next time, it will be shared with the world.

Be sure to discover yourself each day and learn to love the bits of life around you.


Monday, May 17, 2010

Letting Go

I am wondering if the greatest of loves were ever meant to be. Time after time, I see myself and others around me letting go of the ones we claim to love. What is that magic ingredient that makes us want to keep just one person and be able to follow through with it? You know, the deep down desire that never goes away....not the physical desire but the burning desire at the very depth of your soul that tells you that you must keep this person in your life.

I can eloquently phrase that but have yet to find one that I desire to keep for long. Many times, I thought I had found such a person, a man. Only to find later he possessed some quality that I could not overlook. Qualities that actually made him a incompatible mate to the point of obvious dissatisfaction at ever having chose him to begin with. I chuckle inwardly at this thought for it is not entirely true. I love many qualities of many men and only wish I could put them all together to make one fantastic man. Correction needed here, I thought I had found one such man and am still waiting to see what happens. Either he has too much pride to return to me or I never really had him anyway.

I have no regrets regarding any man I ever chose for each one brought something invaluable to my life. I learned strength and patience from some, confidence and boldness from others. I can not attribute my softness or my creative side to a man although I have met one or two that have brought it out in me. For this, I can thank the man most recently involved in my life. My creative juices certainly exploded onto the scene when we discovered each other.

It was like a flood gate, once opened there was no stopping it. I wrote about one hundred poems in just a few months. Now, I write to you in journal or story style but still my creative nature is showing. I do not plan on letting the gates close, if anything I will put the largest timber I can find in them and keep them open regardless of the storms I must endure.

So you are probably wondering by now what all this rambling has to do with "Letting Go", the title of this post.

You can not hold onto something that doesn't wish to be held onto. My challenge to myself is to try and write without a muse, without the aid of a man in my life. If you have ever written, you understand my last statement. I shall not need a man to the point where my creative juices stop flowing if he is no longer in my life.


It Is That Time Again

To roll back the carpet, turn the music up and dance like it's your last day on earth. If it were your last day on earth, what would you busy yourself with? Hopefully you have loved fully so that you don't have regrets and people to look up in your last days that you need to say apologies to. If the people in your life know they have been loved fully and you wished to spend the last of your days wandering alone, they would understand for you have already given them everything you are capable of.

It's a toss up for me, what I would do with my last days. If I have not had a chance I would like to see Ireland, sit myself in a pub where no one knows me and relax. Walk down a country lane built of the earth and kick rocks. If I had the opportunity, I would swim in the clearest water I could find and let the fish join me. I would find a mountain to sit upon, damp earth touching me and lay back, resting my tired body on the grass and let the sun warm my face.

I have a wonderful family I can rely on, aunts, uncles and cousins. My daughter and a son who is just beginning to talk. What I haven't found is a lasting bond with my soul mate. I hold out for this and wish that in my last days he is here with me to enjoy the walk down the country lane. It's that touchy subject again that I try and stay clear of but will constantly find myself on.

I did find someone....and he is not with me.

So when it is the end of your days and you are alone, who is it that you wish you had at your side? Shall you now seek this person out knowing that it is never too late for love, for forgiveness and for trusting your heart to another?

There is a certain joy that you can find in solitude, spending your last days alone even though you know there are people you could be spending them with. Relying on yourself to find peace at this time....then again, maybe you will choose to surround yourself with the people of your life. Imagine one big farewell, who would be there to share a meal and share a toast with you? Who can you rely on and are these very people the ones that keep you centered here even though you never have had your soul mate.

My last days...hopefully very far off. I start my new chapter very soon and I plan on filling it with all the things I wish to do before I have regrets. My family knows I love them and cherish them, I do not leave this unsaid. I may not be able to travel far away but I know I will fill my days with joy.

Right now, simple joys are already here. Chasing my boy through the house while he plays drums and I play with the electric piano. Blowing bubbles on his tummy and kissing his toes. Having the dog barge in between us while we hug and listening to good music while watching the lilac bushes move in the wind. Watching my daughter grow into a young lady and being proud of her accomplishments.

This is enough for now but I wish for more. Each time I voice my wishes or get them clear in my head something in life happens to change my path. Now, my details are foggy, all I can do is move ahead through the mist and hope for a clear dawn on the other side. Baby steps...a little wobbly but moving forward with eagerness, curiosity and anticipation.

Thank you for joining me this fine day!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

There is a Lot to Cover

It's just been not even a full day since I posted here. I have been out and would like to ponder in black and white text bits of conversation that I shared this evening. I was posed a question...How long do you look for love? When do you give up? My gut reaction made me blurt out the first thing that came to mind which was "Never". Never give up looking for love.

This is an extremely touchy subject for me at the moment and one that I can not go into too much detail on personally for the fear of giving away too much. Since when have I been anything less than forthright? I write in vagueness and stories but always if you search you can see the reality and the truth within. Is it my truth or is it something you are searching for?

The only way really to know is ask me. You may not feel the need to do this but instead take the words and use them to fit your own story. I did give up looking for love. There are words you don't have to guess the meaning on. The very moment I gave up looking, I believe love found me. Then, I lost it....I can not say if I will have the chance to get it back.

There is a lot to cover. Forty one years worth of life, in fact. I may jump around in the story, I may give you glimpses of joy and pain. When we experience the pain of life I believe it makes us appreciate the joys that much more.

Currently, I am distancing myself from things. I am in limbo and am looking forward to my new life. What this life holds I do not know nor do I wish to. Not knowing can be a joy if I choose to look at it as an adventure. That's a thought that just popped into my head. My life has certainly been an adventure.

Another part of this conversation I had tonight was talk of knowing being alone would be okay but at the same time knowing being alone is not what I want. I also do not want to be with someone out of convenience or because I am an option. I am more than that, I hold great treasures in my heart that given the right circumstance I just may decide to share with someone. Having already done this recently and still not knowing what has become of it, I am reluctant to share this side of me again.

A very wise person once said when going into battle for love you have to wear your silk shirt not your armor...or something like that. It is times like these that I feel my armor clanking tight around me and it is not a noise I welcome. However, It is a necessary one at the moment. I am sure someday soon my armor will break free and I will once again wear my finest silk shirt out to battle.

Who will be there to join me in the field? My very being aches at the thought that lasting love doesn't exist for I wish to believe in the magic of love, destiny and karma. How do you continue to believe when love lets you down? You gather reserves of forgiveness and patience is what you do and wait to see if there is anyone in the field waiting to hold you.

Good Sunday Morning

I have not yet dressed, I sit here with zucchini bread and coffee to say good morning to you. There are people who may go about an entire day and not hear an encouraging word from anyone. Day after day of this brings doubt then depression. I will be here to hold your hand and give you the words to lift you up. On days when I can not do this, if I myself am in a spot where I need a hand....I will reach out to you with my words.

If this makes any sense to you, then we will be great friends. You see, when I write even with doldrums I am banishing them from my thoughts so me reaching out to you in this way lifts me up. I, in turn will lift you up tenfold. I will share with you the mornings sunshine, the song of the birds, the afternoon breeze and the glow of moonlight as it bounces off the darkened night sky.

This morning is sky is filled with glorious sunshine and a breeze is blowing strong enough to move the lilac bush. The blooms are mostly spent but there is still a scent of them in the air. I am looking forward to today and all it brings.

You are blessed with life and love. Remember always that in everyone's life there has been someone that has loved you and always will. You have a talent to share. If you have not already, it is time to discover what it is. You may be musically inclined, have the gift of gab, have endless amounts of patience. Maybe you write, sing or dance. You were given a gift and it is your duty to discover it, nurture it and share it. If even you share it with one person, you brighten that persons world.

I create...I write, I design jewelry and I have endless amounts of patience and the gift of gab. I also know when to be silent. Knowing and doing are two different things however for I, knowing I have the gift of gab and the gift of writing makes me want to share it with all who will listen.

I have also sung, acted in plays and learned to play the violin. Sometimes when you are given a gift, you discover you have many. This is another reason to feel blessed. I have found I also have a great capacity for learning facts like rock formations and technical information about the working parts of a watch. I can even do a little website programming.

So, by me sharing my gifts with you this sunny Sunday morning, what have you learned about yourself? What gifts do you have? Are you hiding them, sharing them, cultivating them? Are you just beginning your journey or at the very end?

I am somewhere in the middle and I am honored to have you join me on my journey.....


Saturday, May 15, 2010

Clarification for the Day

I would like to clarify some things but at this moment there is no clarity. Simple but true statement. This song is playing as I write..Love Hurts by Nazareth.Love does hurt, it also lifts you up, inspires you, makes you want great things and pushes you to reach for the stars.

I can only write as I go along on this journey of mine and watch the story unfold just as you do. I have much to do yet. Growing up, I imagined a home filled with a family, a happy family. A family that supported one another, that stayed together, laughed together and cried together.

The next part of my journey may have its twist and turns that lead me to melancholy. I welcome this. I know what I have searched for may not exist and I am prepared to accept that. It also doesn't stop me from exploring the possibilities.

What are you searching for? If you are looking for money, stop your search now. Money doesn't bring happiness. If you are looking for devotion, look inward and rely on yourself. When you have reached clarity, things will fall into place. Things may begin to fall into place even before you realize it is happening.

When the dust has settled and you open your eyes to see calm....you have attained the very dream you thought would always escape you. This is the clarification I am working towards. Past that, I can not know what I want or what life will bring.

Each time I begin to imagine how life would be or what I wish for, life takes a turn and my path to what I desire is made longer. Quite possibly my life will be like the recurring dream I had for many, many years.

In this dream, I am in a town with dirt roads-just one road that I can see. On each side of the road that I walk slowly down are houses that appear almost identical. They look like plain box houses built around 1950 and I am walking from door to door trying to open them. I never find an open door and I continue on to the last house that sits facing me at the end of this dead end street.

I never reach this last house. On the porch of this house is a figure, a person. I never get to meet this person. Instead, I walk endlessly.....

While We Are on The Subject

The subject of love, that is....

Love can be elusive
it can turn tail and run
what I am hoping love can not do is lie

If love hides, this can have the same affect as a lie
In love, there should be no hiding.
Why hide love?

I am pondering....as you can see I am tossing these thoughts out there to see where they land. Imagine standing in a field and a circle is around you. You toss love about to see what happens. Does it land inside your circle within reach or does it fall short? You would think if it falls short you could grasp it but no, if it falls short then love has disappointed you.

What of love then? What are you left with? Honestly, at this point I do not know. I remember love. It only took the suggestion of love being gone from my midst to feel the physical reaction and know I do not want to give up on this love.

I can only know what I feel. I trust my thoughts and that's all I can count on. I felt the prickle of my skin, the racing of my heart and the feeling of my face dropping as I read the words. Activation and deployment issues...dread sets in and you want to keep mum but you can't. How do you keep mum and not tell this person you don't want it to be them? Not now...unless they really want to leave.

You can't keep mum. It's not in you, too much is at stake. If even all you do is say it and it falls on deaf ears, it matters not. At least you said your peace. There it is~by saying your peace, you find peace. Love doesn't stay quiet. At least not this love, it doesn't know how. Then again, I have been quiet in "it's" presence and reveled in it. Soaked in the sun and held the hand that held her heart and was at peace.


Good Evening...

This being my first post here I should keep it short. Any of you that know me also know that this would be next to impossible to do. I begin to write and it's like sitting down to talk to an old friend. I could go on for hours and hours.

There may be times when you will want to grab your morning coffee, other times you may want to grab your tissues and a bowl of ice cream and sometimes you may just want to sit down with a cup of tea and travel a journey with me down life's lovely lane.

I always revert to this, writing. My world can be spinning, the dishes can be left undone and laundry may pile up. But as long as I have either journals, paper or the computer to sort out my thoughts I am centered. Sometimes, it takes many visits to get to this point. It's my way of talking things through.

Life is a lovely trip...it can also be ugly, harsh and bitter. Bittersweet like chocolate is a good thing. Keeping everything in perspective and remembering life is lovely works for me. It gets me through the rough patches. I always claimed I was a positive force and I would still like to believe that.

I have had a life filled with memories. Deaths~too many to count, marriages~no comment, childbirth~two that lived, jobs~several that I can say I enjoyed, travel~a little but I still have places I want to go. Love~this is an endless subject which will be discussed here. It is a roller coaster at times but one that I continue to get on....I love roller coasters, real ones and I love ~LOVE~.

Love makes you do crazy things. You fly thousands of miles to see your love....You call your love at random times.....you gush to anyone who will listen about your love........you show your true self quite by accident and all the while for some reason, you are not scared of being seen.

This brings about change. Now, you are showing everyone your true self for if you hide, no one really gets to know you. I was once Abigail the Wall Flower...too shy to say hi to the boys, so shy I hid up against the wall. I once hid behind a blog. I hide no longer.

If a employer or a customer of mine read this, my only desire would be that they understand I am a real person who is fair, honest and devoted to those close to her. Devoted also to sharing her gift of writing. If you are given a gift, why hide it away?

I may write as if in journals or I may write poetry....either way enjoy and remember to always live your life to its fullest. We have only one and it is not a dress rehearsal.

aka Abigail the Wallflower, no longer in hiding.