Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Dropping All Pretense

I am no longer in limbo, somehow it seems. I do not know how my mind set changed for my physical location has not yet changed. The melancholy, hurt and anger has given way to bewilderment. My new task is to learn to trust myself again, forgive myself and enjoy what life has to offer.

Offerings....the morning sky offers promise of a beautiful day filled with song put forth by the birds that scatter about when I open the door.

The length of the day is filled with a bit of chaos that when I step back I can enjoy it for the silliness that it is. Ten feet of foil strung through the dining room, motorcycles and cars piled on top of me when I nap and stick horses that have come to rest and snack on my piles of paperwork.

When the evening happens upon me and if I have not yet ventured out I find I must do so before the sun has completely left the sky. The nights crisp air is most definitely welcomed and I do not shy away from the darkness of it.



There are times when I can not find the words and remain silent. This will not happen often, if it does you must wonder to yourself how this woman that writes endlessly can be speechless? The words are there, in my head, my heart and stuck at the back of my throat. When I find myself in this predicament, do I look at you with bewilderment? It is the look of searching, trying to find the words to put out to you so you understand.

I was told this evening that I do not have the capability to hate someone nor am I able to hold onto anger for long. This is a nice trait I suppose but one that makes some life situations more difficult for myself and this is why I often find myself planted here. Here, at the simple computer table next to the dining room window, music on and pillow stuck under me for comfort.

I sort things out here, sometimes on the blog, sometimes in email to my best friend and sometimes in emails that never get sent. I would like to get back to the point where I can inspire you and lift you up. In the meantime, I am working on lifting myself up. This is something I feel I must do on my own and luckily, I don't have far to go.....