Wednesday, May 1, 2013

What Defines Us

Mothers Day is coming and I get thoughtful, even a bit sentimental around this time. I think about the early years when I couldn't get thru a holiday without crying. When I would lose loved ones I would cry  for the ones I had lost before and the ones I had  just lost.  I cried for the ones I didn't have, that didn't want me. I spent a lot of time crying. In order to stop crying, I created. Creation saved me.

They say the things that don't kill us saves us...or is it shapes us? I'm not exactly sure. I know I longed for what I will refer to as "my people". I spent a lot of time lost. Feeling like there was no one like me and the ones that I would meet that seemed like me, well we didn't connect somehow. Creation also crushed me.

Crushed me into myself, formed me and saved me. Do you understand?

The very things I dove into that saved me, also saved me from people that didn't connect with me. Back to Mothers day...its been 28 years since my mother died so I often think she didn't have much to do with shaping me. She did not define me so much in her own life as much as she did after she died, or did she? She died a single mother and often I fear her heart did not find its true love. If she did, what happened to it? Where did he, the one true love vanish to?

She made mistake after mistake in choosing the men she let into her life. They were not bad men, they just weren't for her. I have done the same. Except this time, I think I finally got it right. I found someone that doesn't wish to change me, control me or ridicule me. I believe he loves who I am and sees who I am without me begging him too recognize me.

This was a mistake I made in the past.  I, with my actions and words seemed to be begging for someone to see me, recognize who and what I am and simply love me. What a silly mistake.
You can not force someone to love you, you can not convince them you or they are worthy and you can not sacrifice your own dignity in the name of love. That is not love and I nearly did that.
Maybe I did, maybe I just made myself vulnerable and cared about someone that didn't care back.

So, what defines us? Everything. I am defined by encounters, music, art, words, acts of kindness and even acts of unspeakable evil. Well, not really but that sounded terribly dramatic as the words rolled around in my head. I have been defined by events in my life that were not pleasant. Not as dramatic but definitely more accurate.

When I was younger than the legal drinking age, I married someone I thought would love me and I would love him forever. Within the first year of our marriage he impregnated his girlfriend and put me thru hell for over a year before divorce was final. We had actually been trying to get pregnant and I am thankful my body didn't cooperate at that time. Many years have passed and after having two children and one miscarriage I can tell you that both of my children are what I like to call miracle babies. I'm one of those ladies that doctors gave less than a five percent chance of carrying a baby to full term. I thumbed my nose at those doctors and did it twice.

So in my life, creation and death shaped me. The creation of two lives made mine whole. The ending of ones life over and over again during my lifetime also shaped me. The creation of a beautiful life together with my fiancĂ© will shape me. What defines you and what shape will your life be in when you reach the end of it?