I woke screaming.
I could not breath for my own blood was being sucked up into my nostrils and the screaming would not stop. My eyes would not fully open and I caught only flashes of glaring white light that only made me want to close my eyes again. It was like being in a ward and being rushed down a hall and the fluorescent flashing images of white directly into your soul. The screams happened in bursts inbetween the bursts of light.
It took great strength to peel herself off the linoleum and prop herself up albeit only briefly. She remembered she couldn't breath and struggled to hold herself up at the sink to wash the bloody filth from her face. The room spun. A slow spin that seemed to whirl her brain into a fog. She forgot after that.
I woke the second time screaming.
This time blood was trickling down into my mass of unruly hair. And again, the blood wanted to puddle in my nose. There was blood on the floors. Blood on the wall. She had reached for the wall and traced the path trying to remember. The pain was everywhere and indescribable, unmistakable and indeterminate. Where was she?
The screaming had subsided and was now a sob. Where was she? Orientate yourself. Remember the glaring lights and focus. Focus on what? She looked around and didn't know where to turn. Her turning only made the room spin. Not a slow spin this time but more like a whirligig that made her want to puke.
Was it I or she? She stopped screaming. She stopped sobbing and called for help. Help. Help.
Help she said to anyone who might hear her. She hurt everywhere and the pain wouldnt stop. He reached her and steadied her by the elbows. Eased her down and spoke softly. I think tears were falling but the pain was so much it took the feeling away for fine senses. Overwhelmed her.
The glaring whites were hurting her but somehow they made it to the bed so she could lie down .
She couldn't speak clearly and seemed not only to be slurred but not making sense. She was
trying not to become agitated. She needed a rag for her head. She was bleeding onto the bed
and he kept thinking she was asking for him. In a way she was but she really needed that rag. She was
bleeding onto the bed. The bed. It wouldnt stop hurting her. Everything hurt and she wanted to rock the pain away but if she moved she felt like daggers were peircing her head.
The pain had started in her stomach and this is what sent her out of the bed in the first place.
The pain that was so intense it made her pass out. Now, there were a team of someone's in her room
taking pictures, taking her blood, taking her pulse. Taking her away to the ER which they no longer
call the ER. The stupid driver went thru the middle of the drive hitting every speed bump. At least five of them and she asked the one sitting with her to turn out the lights because the lights were hurting her. I think he did.
Was it I or she? She sobbed. She was irritated. She was in pain. She was going to the ER for the
first time ever and they dont call it the ER any longer. As she recalls this only trip to the ER
she remembers she did go one other time. It also was painful and bloody but has decided that
is a story best left unsaid. The pain in her body that had begun in her stomach continued for hours.
The someones who took her along the halls under the garish white flourescents were effecient
and gentle enough. They took her to the radiology room more than once.
The pain was not just in her stomach and her head, it was in her neck. She chipped a bone during the fall. Where did she fall? When shes home she will find the determininate spot and inspect the path.
Try to remember. It would take weeks, maybe months before it all came back if at all. More than just her helpers that night would ask questions and she didn't have answers. At least not ones that sufficed.
Still, today she hurts. I hurt. Bobby pins hurt. Ponytails hurt. Turning hurts but not as bad as it used to. She takes the pain and absorbs it into her soul. It is her duty. She smiles as she dances and he holds her. Steadies her so they can dance without her falling. The spinning has mostly stopped. At one time it was so bad that she would grip the bed and blurt out exclamations.
Not quite daily she inspects her deepest wound. She has a dent in her head. But oddly enough, the pain doesn't stop there. The doctor says it may never go away. She doesnt care anymore. It is just her
duty to carry it with her.
The dreams, the odd dreams have subsided along with the sobs. Have you ever seen people leap into the air? Straight into the air? Then bounce off concrete and land and walk away? In my dreams, I saw this vividly. I think its my determined spirit that is telling itself
"You cant stop me".
So, when the doctor told me ... "You have a little murmur". I decided to just carry it with me. Its