Saturday, November 30, 2013

Olivia Sits with Blue

Olivia sits by the seaside
Chilled to the bone and  raw inside
Blue sits with her and unbeknownst
Blue is chilled just like her

Loyal Blue sits by the seaside
with Olivia whose cheeks
have turned wind red
Chafed on the outside

Olivia no longer sees Blue
She can not see the seaside
She can not feel Blue
She has sat for so long
She has turned chilly blue

Blue, Loyal Blue nudges her gently
Shakes her hand and whines a bit
He misses Miss Olivia
who used to play by seaside
chasing him from here and there

Miss Olivia has sat for so long
she seems not to care
He pushes her with his nose
Blue moans and then he knows
He must pull Olivia from seaside

Sad as he may be
Olivia is bluer even than he
Seaside is sweet
Seaside is long
Seaside is beckoning Miss Olivia
with its sad blue song

Blue pulls at her sleeve
looks at her questionably
Barks loudly as if in revelry
Olivia come back
Back to Blue

Away from sad seaside beckoning you
its not the sea you once knew
its sad and pulling you

Olivia blinked and looked at Blue
Loyal Blue whom she has always knew
She patted his head and scooted back
back amongst sand and scratchy patch
The wind pulled her hair is if to say go further

Further from sea and patchy sand
closer to solid land
Blue followed her lead and stayed by her side
Wind chafed red and weathered friend

Barely able to stand again
Blue cried a little whine
kissed his dear friends hand
and helped her with the climb

Loyal Blue always by her side
saved her from sad seaside
its not the place she once knew
she's not the young Olivia
that once frolicked with Blue

She reached down to soothe him
with her hand
forced smiled and straightest of stands
gathered her walking sticks
turned back from sea
saluted to the waves and
came home to me

Blue returned with her
the two now a warm bunch
beneath wooly piles and velvets and such
snoring and snuggling and smiling
Blue and Olivia
the oldest of friends
wandered in sleep to the sea again

In the crisp of the morning
I nudged them to wake
but Blue and Olivia
made their final journey to sea
seemed peaceful in final sleep

I left them there for just a bit
returned to kiss the hand
that was cold and limp
moaned and whined for the loss
of my two dearest friends
Olivia and Blue
Blue and spent

Gone from my reaches
this crisp cold day
I wandered to seaside
and imagined them at play

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Happy Fricking Holidays

This time of year is hard. Anytime, every time of year is hard. I try to remember why I am grateful and sometimes it is not easy. This year is better than the last. I put on a happy face until my melancholy passes. Holidays bring up memories, some good and some bad. I remember mom buying me roller skates one Christmas and in the summer we would go skating together. For some reason, a fond memory is wrapped around her and I during a skating trip about town and in this trip, we fell down multiple times. Once, landing in a pile on concrete laughing. I also remember that same mother not coming home for my 15th birthday until very late because she was at the bar after work.

I remember my father and her fighting loudly and his fist coming down so hard on the bathroom counter that he broke the corner off. I think I was about 13 and I yelled at him for what he was doing to my mom....I should have been scared but I wasn't. I simply spoke up and stared him in the face until he walked out of the house. I think. I would like to believe anyway.

That's the other thing, the mind blocks things we don't want to really remember. Sometimes it blocks things to protect itself. The mind is a terrible thing to waste, right? So why fill it with ugliness?

I remember thanksgiving dinners in Idaho with family filled with laughter, good food and warm fuzzies. I also remember my drunk uncle and my dad in slugfests during other holidays. Not everyone escapes childhood unscathed. Not everyone has a family to turn to. I will always be here for my husband, my kids and my good friends. If you need me and I am able,  I will feed you. I will give you the clothes off my back. I will sit with you and talk. I will drive you where you need to go. Why? Because I know what nothing feels like.

Nothing is having no one to call when your sad. Nothing is having no one to share a meal with. Nothing is wondering if you don't make an effort, will the other person? Nothing is wondering if anyone ever cared or missed you. Nothing eats at you more than feeling like your nothing. I will never let my family as it is now feel like nothing. They and my close friends are my everything.  Grateful. I am. Don't misunderstand what I am about to say.

I'm grateful my mother passed. I'm grateful because she lived a long enough life filled with grief from my dad which leads me to the next thing I am grateful for. I'm grateful I have no contact with him. As a person with a Christian upbringing I tried more than once in my life to forgive him and have a healthy relationship. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone that has an unhealthy mind. I am grateful my son will never know him. Which presents a light bulb that went off for me recently. I don't put up with being disrespected or mistreated. Ha. Yes, I do and have.

Why? Because I was taught if you love someone or if you make a commitment of any kind  you hang in there. You stick it out. I taught myself something more valuable. Self respect. Yes if times are hard you get thru it together. But what if your always being put thru the ringer by the very people who claim to love you? Love does not manipulate, control or anger. Love supports, cherishes and gives.

I believe if a person truly has love in their heart they would not continue to put others thru such hard times. Intentional disregard for others and their feelings is selfish. Love is not selfish. So, for all of you that stay in crappy relationships, abusive relationships, submit yourselves to people that have no regard for your feelings....stop.

Start respecting yourself. If year after year only teaches you the same thing...which is unhappiness, negativity, despair...ask yourself if the people you spend your time with are worth your time. There is a Facebook friend from my childhood, a few actually that gave me a safe place to stay when I was not safe at home. Thank you. I can not thank you enough.

I just had another memory flash by. A good one. I was raised in a congregational church that has "open doors",  they always have and recently they opened them further. I am grateful for that upbringing filled with love and community. I remember going to church camp at least once because the people of the church would contribute so that I could go. My mom could not afford the camp fee. I met my first boyfriend at camp. I rowed a canoe at camp and I pretended at camp. I ate the insides of thistles trying to look important like I knew how to survive in the wilderness when we would go hiking. I pretended to stretch like a ballerina on the wood rail in the hallway of the lodge. In all reality, my mom couldn't afford lessons and I hadn't been in ballet or tap for over six years. I just wanted to be something. So, I was a ballerina.

I heard a song tonight, a spoken kind of song that was very heavy and filled with atrocities. We like to be happy and go about our business as if the world is a beautiful place. In fact, its a very ugly cold place at times. I am doing my best to fill my world, my children's world and my husbands world with peace, love and beauty. Please do the same. Lets leave this world a better place.

Happy Holidays,

Saturday, November 2, 2013

I Ride My Bicycle

I wish I could ride my bicycle today but the wind it is wild and it would woosh me away....

instead, I will just listen to my hubby play.....

I ride my bicycle
to work everyday
and I take my bicycle
home every night....

Enjoy this fine day!!