Happy Fricking Holidays

This time of year is hard. Anytime, every time of year is hard. I try to remember why I am grateful and sometimes it is not easy. This year is better than the last. I put on a happy face until my melancholy passes. Holidays bring up memories, some good and some bad. I remember mom buying me roller skates one Christmas and in the summer we would go skating together. For some reason, a fond memory is wrapped around her and I during a skating trip about town and in this trip, we fell down multiple times. Once, landing in a pile on concrete laughing. I also remember that same mother not coming home for my 15th birthday until very late because she was at the bar after work.

I remember my father and her fighting loudly and his fist coming down so hard on the bathroom counter that he broke the corner off. I think I was about 13 and I yelled at him for what he was doing to my mom....I should have been scared but I wasn't. I simply spoke up and stared him in the face until he walked out of the house. I think. I would like to believe anyway.

That's the other thing, the mind blocks things we don't want to really remember. Sometimes it blocks things to protect itself. The mind is a terrible thing to waste, right? So why fill it with ugliness?

I remember thanksgiving dinners in Idaho with family filled with laughter, good food and warm fuzzies. I also remember my drunk uncle and my dad in slugfests during other holidays. Not everyone escapes childhood unscathed. Not everyone has a family to turn to. I will always be here for my husband, my kids and my good friends. If you need me and I am able,  I will feed you. I will give you the clothes off my back. I will sit with you and talk. I will drive you where you need to go. Why? Because I know what nothing feels like.

Nothing is having no one to call when your sad. Nothing is having no one to share a meal with. Nothing is wondering if you don't make an effort, will the other person? Nothing is wondering if anyone ever cared or missed you. Nothing eats at you more than feeling like your nothing. I will never let my family as it is now feel like nothing. They and my close friends are my everything.  Grateful. I am. Don't misunderstand what I am about to say.

I'm grateful my mother passed. I'm grateful because she lived a long enough life filled with grief from my dad which leads me to the next thing I am grateful for. I'm grateful I have no contact with him. As a person with a Christian upbringing I tried more than once in my life to forgive him and have a healthy relationship. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone that has an unhealthy mind. I am grateful my son will never know him. Which presents a light bulb that went off for me recently. I don't put up with being disrespected or mistreated. Ha. Yes, I do and have.

Why? Because I was taught if you love someone or if you make a commitment of any kind  you hang in there. You stick it out. I taught myself something more valuable. Self respect. Yes if times are hard you get thru it together. But what if your always being put thru the ringer by the very people who claim to love you? Love does not manipulate, control or anger. Love supports, cherishes and gives.

I believe if a person truly has love in their heart they would not continue to put others thru such hard times. Intentional disregard for others and their feelings is selfish. Love is not selfish. So, for all of you that stay in crappy relationships, abusive relationships, submit yourselves to people that have no regard for your feelings....stop.

Start respecting yourself. If year after year only teaches you the same thing...which is unhappiness, negativity, despair...ask yourself if the people you spend your time with are worth your time. There is a Facebook friend from my childhood, a few actually that gave me a safe place to stay when I was not safe at home. Thank you. I can not thank you enough.

I just had another memory flash by. A good one. I was raised in a congregational church that has "open doors",  they always have and recently they opened them further. I am grateful for that upbringing filled with love and community. I remember going to church camp at least once because the people of the church would contribute so that I could go. My mom could not afford the camp fee. I met my first boyfriend at camp. I rowed a canoe at camp and I pretended at camp. I ate the insides of thistles trying to look important like I knew how to survive in the wilderness when we would go hiking. I pretended to stretch like a ballerina on the wood rail in the hallway of the lodge. In all reality, my mom couldn't afford lessons and I hadn't been in ballet or tap for over six years. I just wanted to be something. So, I was a ballerina.

I heard a song tonight, a spoken kind of song that was very heavy and filled with atrocities. We like to be happy and go about our business as if the world is a beautiful place. In fact, its a very ugly cold place at times. I am doing my best to fill my world, my children's world and my husbands world with peace, love and beauty. Please do the same. Lets leave this world a better place.

Happy Holidays,
Tera