Musings of a Single Mom

There are many musings to share from my brain so cluttered since I have not slowed down to write in a while. First, let's start with a funny observation. My keyboard pull out on the computer desk holds my bowl of oatmeal perfectly. It is keeping it warm while tucked away and my sleeve is unable to dip into it. Kudos to me for figuring this out. You might think this is an odd observation and quite random but if you knew everything that was in my head, no comments or posts would seem random. My pull out does not hold my keyboard, it holds my tray of beads, my portfolio and my oatmeal. The keyboard sits happily on top of the desk in front of the flat screen monitor which was so lovingly gifted upon me. Thank you cousin!

Finding Abigail is a constant endeavor. Being a single mom makes this journey a long and windy one. It is my own personal struggle of balance between wanting a family to come home to that consists of more than just my children and being all too aware that this may never happen. I am on a search for best friends, happy memories and hopefully before the end of my life I will have found someone that can not get enough of me. This works in reverse too.

So "you" want to go out on any given night and everyone is busy or sleeping. So you call no one and for yet another night you entertain yourself. If you stay at home too long, you go stir crazy. You head out and the reaction is mixed. You get stares, conversation, compliments, dances, and the occasional rude encounter. I could never understand why people in general were so surprised that a woman would go out on her own. It is not 1890 people and I am not in corsets and riding side saddle on a horse or being driven in a handsome cab. I do not put myself in danger or enter places that a lady would not want to be seen in. I do seek out fun, music and good food. If you look like a friendly bunch of people, I may invite myself to sit at your table.

Let's examine that last sentence. Remember what we are looking for? Conversation, friends, fun and happy memories all the while keeping in mind that yes, a house full of more than just three is welcomed. For the most part, people welcome this friendly invasion. Only on one occasion have I been asked to leave a table and I left so quickly and discreetly. My rambling point here I suppose is "ya people just need to all relax". I'm not out to steal your bff, bf, spouse, house, car or anything of the sorts. I bring plenty to the table and can carry on a pretty good conversation. I will not however discuss a few topics in depth and those would include politics and religion. I am not at all political and while I am religious I am not overly so. Everyone has their opinion and has a right to speak it, that is what makes this country great.

The all important factor here in my life. Kids. Two wonderful kids that I am caring for and making a life for. Not the life I had thought but still a life and I am determined to show them that life is good. I must insert a note here...it is this desire of mine to show them that I can provide a life on my own for them that keeps me going. It is also the very same desire that makes me feel unworthy of a life outside of them. Any single parent out there will understand this comment and know it is a fleeting thought.

My children are also my biggest concern as well they should be. Again, I mention this fleeting thought that I often feel I have no business having a personal or social life because I need to be here for my kids. On the flip side, I believe if you do not take care of your own needs no matter what they may be, you will not be able to care for your kids. So I let the guilt slide away in the tears and I pull up my boot straps, head into another day of work and several times a month I wander off on my own to make merry.

On other occasions I play with tinker toys or take my daughter out to dinner. I put up with objects getting thrown at me from my son and I laugh as he rolls on the floor amongst 200 or more pennies. I watch as my daughter rolls her eyes at me and walks away in exasperation. My eyes widen in amazement when my daughter actually says that she likes me. My eyes widen in pain as pebbles hit my head because my son thinks its great fun to throw them and listen to me squeal. You may have guessed that my kids are not the same ago and you have guessed correctly. My daughter is 19 and my son will be three soon.

This also makes a great topic for conversation and gets especially wide eyed looks when conversing with potential suitors. Let's all admit that it doesn't get any easier as you get older to date. Throw in kids of any age and it just got harder. Throw in a strong minded woman that has occasional relapses into mush and it just got doubly harder. Add in she doesn't sleep much, often spends far too much time wandering beaches to gather up shells that must come home, writes endlessly or has her hands in clay and fingers wrapped around wire. Toss in the need to dance to music even when there is no dance floor and add one cat who thinks he is a dog. This is my life. Welcome 2011!! Bring on the happiness....

Good Evening...

This being my first post here I should keep it short. Any of you that know me also know that this would be next to impossible to do. I begin to write and it's like sitting down to talk to an old friend. I could go on for hours and hours.

There may be times when you will want to grab your morning coffee, other times you may want to grab your tissues and a bowl of ice cream and sometimes you may just want to sit down with a cup of tea and travel a journey with me down life's lovely lane.

I always revert to this, writing. My world can be spinning, the dishes can be left undone and laundry may pile up. But as long as I have either journals, paper or the computer to sort out my thoughts I am centered. Sometimes, it takes many visits to get to this point. It's my way of talking things through.

Life is a lovely trip...it can also be ugly, harsh and bitter. Bittersweet like chocolate is a good thing. Keeping everything in perspective and remembering life is lovely works for me. It gets me through the rough patches. I always claimed I was a positive force and I would still like to believe that.

I have had a life filled with memories. Deaths~too many to count, marriages~no comment, childbirth~two that lived, jobs~several that I can say I enjoyed, travel~a little but I still have places I want to go. Love~this is an endless subject which will be discussed here. It is a roller coaster at times but one that I continue to get on....I love roller coasters, real ones and I love ~LOVE~.

Love makes you do crazy things. You fly thousands of miles to see your love....You call your love at random times.....you gush to anyone who will listen about your love........you show your true self quite by accident and all the while for some reason, you are not scared of being seen.

This brings about change. Now, you are showing everyone your true self for if you hide, no one really gets to know you. I was once Abigail the Wall Flower...too shy to say hi to the boys, so shy I hid up against the wall. I once hid behind a blog. I hide no longer.

If a employer or a customer of mine read this, my only desire would be that they understand I am a real person who is fair, honest and devoted to those close to her. Devoted also to sharing her gift of writing. If you are given a gift, why hide it away?

I may write as if in journals or I may write poetry....either way enjoy and remember to always live your life to its fullest. We have only one and it is not a dress rehearsal.

Blessings,
Tera
aka Abigail the Wallflower, no longer in hiding.