Foolery

At times I do not write for I can not sort out what I wish to say. When I can not do this, I make jewelry, do chores, walk, kick sand, have a couple cocktails. Sometimes writing helps me to sort things out so, I am hoping that tonight this is the case.

I feel as if ...
I have no more feeling.
I have no point to the feelings.
I have no direction or motivation.

Just stumbling in the dark. This week, I have killed eight ants, one entire blog, one website, one dating profile which was up for one day, my hopes and dreams, my desire for something more. I've probably killed someones faith in me and what I believe in, I don't know anymore.

I can't take back killing the ants. I could undo killing the blog if I did it today but I do not wish to. I don't care about the dating site or anyone on it. I don't care to work on the website.

I don't know how to get back my motivation or my desire at the moment but I am sure it will come to me. I am going thru my own greiving of sorts and I can't even say why. Life is a drag and then you die.

I didn't want to spend my last decades alone, as in without a significant other but it seems in this case I am doomed. I know, I know. Whatever. But really, after two years of being single and having the occasional boyfriend I feel as if I have come to a crossroads.

I don't want to date. I don't want a boyfriend. I want to be someone's forever and it never works out. It seems no matter which way I approach it the outcome is always the same.

Being single is not a bad thing, don't get me wrong. But this girl wasn't made to be single. My heart calls out for another and no one answers. So, as much as I write about love and all of its lovely words...

Often, I write with vivid imagination and memories for more often than not, I have no one.

Life's Blessing

"Dismiss the struggles of your day and embrace the idea that with love in our hearts anything and everything is possible. Keep the faith that all things good are coming to you for you deserve these things and with dedication your life will be satisfying." My quote for the day, written by yours truly Jan 20th, 2012.


Love of our family, our life partner and of ourselves. Far reaching and always elusive, love is for some is forgotten and put last on our agenda when really it should be in the forefront. If everything we did we approached with love as the end result in our mind then we would have no choice but to excell in all we do.

Approach the day with joy in your heart and the most difficult of tasks will either be completed with no difficulty or if left unfinished, will not leave you feeling vexed for having not finished them. When you turn in for the night and think of all the things you have in your life and gratitude swells in your heart you fall asleep content . If you do the opposite, you feel disatisfied and frustrated. So, decide right here and now which one you would rather feel.

It is a proven and long discussed fact that happy people are more successful, less stressed and in the ned this very status of their being contributes to their ongoing success. Dwell long in the pool of peace, happiness and strength for in this state you attract the same. I sincerely wish for you to walk out into this day with a smile not only on your face but in your heart for you will encounter many individuals that will be blessed by your presence and will carry the same air of tranquility with them into their day.

Be strong. This is vital for some will be confused your ongoing happiness despite the fighting factors in your life. Disregard the naysayers, the non believers and the ones who question your new found spirit. When you meet them I want you to repeat after me:

To love foolishly
with all might
and perseverance
without fear and
most of all without strife
To be blessed
with joy
all of your days
This I wish for you.

My mantra, written August 13, 2002. Keep the words in your mind, in your heart and on the tip of your tongue to share.

Somewhere Between Love and Murder

At any given time is there something you can identify that is somewhere between love and murder? Notice I did not say between love and hate.

I was at the local library this weekend and after paying my fines for not returning my toddlers books on time I decided to wander over and pick out a couple of books for myself. I ended up with a book on mythology, an inspirational book and a love story of sorts. What I took notice of was that just opposite the sordid love stories were the gruesome murder mysteries.

I think there is a fine line between crazed obsession and love, in fact I am sure of it. I have experienced sweetness at the hand of another, on the opposite I have experienced bitter, piercing words that are left to sting like salt on an open wound.

Let me moon walk...backwards....star like. There is no other way, when life throws you dung, you make a garden with it. Preferably a rambling victorian garden that appears unkept but holds great beauty and places to hide away.

Nearly or about two years ago, I did what I thought was fall in love. Mutually in love. Only to have every particle of my being blown into the atmosphere at a very high rate of speed. I questioned my very existence, my place in this world, my worth and it took every ounce of my being to make it back alive.

Back to me.

About half a year later, a long time friend kissed me while sitting at a picnic table after eating a cheeseburger. Wow...hit me in the head. I can not even begin to explain this chapter in my life. Friend, occasional dance partner, holder of random bits of useful trivia and challenger in conversation without being confrontational. He helped me get back to being me. I have told him he will always be loved and this is true.

Roughly a year after that, I did it again. Smack down, blubbering, stars in my eyes...fell in love. The first time I stood near him I swear the world stopped. Kidding. Kinda. Every step I took, every breath that escaped...I was going to say was all for him. But here I was in love but not crazed. Not yet, anyway.

I don't know if I would still be holding his hand if it weren't for just a couple of things. I did say to a woman that I would go to the ground for him.....that's another story for another time. I am not confrontational but I don't share nicely and I ummm..let's talk about that some other time.

Love may not find me again. It may never be the mutual swirl that you feel when the other one smiles and lights up your life. I am not scared to be alone. I am scared that I missed my chance. I think back on my life and wonder was there ever anyone who really loved me with a passion so undeniable that they couldn't contain it? Was it so strong that I could feel its presence before me?

Claiming to love someone while putting them thru hell that makes them think of murder...nah. I don't have enough hate in my heart for anyone to think of that. But throw a ring back, block a number, block emails, I can do that. Love is not compiled of texting xoxoxoxo's, love is respect, honesty, friendship, chemistry, communication and not just emails that can be carefully thought out but real communication.

Love's most important detail~love yourself first and foremost without reservation or worry about what or who ... listen to your heart and follow thru with its direction. If this means being alone until the tides have stopped, then so be it.

So, I sit here and cry tears that don't quite fall to my cheeks. I cry sometimes when I write not because I am sad really but because inbetween all of my paraphrasing, extra dot...dot...dots... are untold stories that I may never share. I search for the one who searches for me but not today. Not yesterday and not tomorrow. For now, I write and create and work because anything else has proven too exhausting.

Where Has It Got You

I know my subject matter before I even come to this place but yet, as I name the post I realize you, the reader may be expecting something different. We each interpret things in different ways and the freedom of speech and mind is such a wonderful thing. I also know that at the end of this post you may not understand what I am trying to get across anymore than you do now. I write anyway.....sometimes this is a selfish thing. To express, vent, release.

I journeyed back through time via many journals the other day trying to find just one appropriate mothers day poem to send to someone's mom. I nearly failed and was slightly amused and often dissappointed with what I read. The only allowance I can give myself is that I was very young when most of the journal entries were written. As time has gone on I have progressed and change can be a good thing.

I recently spoke to someone very dear to me that said "those things haven't gotten me anywhere" when I pointed out that particular persons special abilites and qualities. It didn't come to me quick enough to respond but I thought later that yes, it did get that person somewhere. It got them right into my heart. The little things that endear us to one another sometimes are not so visible to ourselves. We are our own worst critics.

I challenge you to step outside yourself and look at yourself in a different light. Think of the very things that make you unique and magnify them if you must. This is what a person does when he or she cares deeply for another. We see the good, the sweet, the light and dance and step around the shadows that we just do not register.

Stop thinking of the places you have not been but rather focus on the places you have yet to get to. Make a plan, map them out and love the very things that make you who you are so another can journey with you.

Imagine two sitting side by side completely at ease and one is barely hanging on to life and hope. The other is oblivious to a point on this matter until this moment when they sit side by side. "Oblivious" is slightly stunned and set back. "Oblivious" has been viewing this other in sunshine and moonshine and not shadows. "Oblivious" is sadden by this truth and does not know exactly what to do with it. "Oblivious" is now "Barely hanging on". What "Barely hanging on" does not know is that "Oblivious" understands utterly and completely.

Now, realize that what I write is part truth, part experience and part fiction. Thoughts grow, manifest and sometimes fester. Plant seeds of change and love, encouragement and empowerment. You reap what you sow. In my other life, I was to be either counselor, florist or decorator. I am none of these. I work in an office, I write and I design jewelry. I have had my share of struggles but choose to focus on what I have and not what I don't have.

A vague and rambling post, I know. Let's not worry about where we have gone, only where we are going now. Be happy with what you have and let life be wonderful. Accept that you are unique and that anyone crossing your path today was blessed by your presence.

Once Upon a Time I Was on a Dating Site

I changed my profile over and over. At times, I would hide my profile for weeks on end. Many who I saw online or emailed me never sparked an interest at all. Every once in a while I would go on a date or make a friend. No one ever measured up to the ideal I had in my head sketched out only for me to see.

I am a many layered sweet onion who is boxed into an office out of necessity. If I could venture out on my own and create a business built out of love and creativity and still take care of my kids, I would do it in a half a heartbeat.

I have been called an oddity. Odd. An inspiration. A light. Too good to be true. Empathtic. Moody. I am all of these and more. I prefer thrift stores over malls, live music versus radio, sailboat or rowboat over speedboat. I ride ferries to nowhere just to be on the water. I climb rocks just out of reach of most people so I can watch the tide as it rises. I know exactly who I am and what kind of person I should be with.

I'm looking for another sweet onion, with many layers that never seem to end. One that makes you cry because you know just how sweet, deep and complicated they are and its so incredibly awesome it overwhelmes you at times. You know that when they leave it will hurt greatly but you enjoy them while you can anyway. You live in the moment with them.

Here's a revised bit of my profile from a dating site I was on...no longer feeling the need to be on it. I have meet a sweet onion that I am enjoying.

If you have viewed me more than once, ...drop a line and say hello....I don't bite...If I have viewed you more than once its because I'm curious but mulling it over...drop a line and say hi to me. Let's play twenty questions....

Dating...nothing serious...seriously, this is what I am looking for. the big "however" here I read profiles on here where a man will say "If only women meant what they said" in regards to what they are looking for. Here's the thing when you meet someone that you click, mesh or simply fall in love with all intentions of keeping it simple go out the door. I am ready for something more but I am waiting for that one right moment...the one right man.

All the women want is to not be kept in the dark about what a mans intentions or thoughts are. We are not always the best mind readers. If there is no click or spark, just say so nicely, no harm done.

I am not a cynic, I am a sap and sincerely hope that a combination of Johnny Depp and Rhett Butler is as we speak riding his white horse up my hill to take me down to the beach for a moonlight walk. If you don't somehow find that funny, move along.

I am extremely expressive in my writing and this trait tends to show through when I thoroughly enjoy someone's company. Being a creative type, not only do I write but I also design jewelry, paint, decoupage, work with clay and sew. I believe the items a person wears tells a little bit of a story about who they are. I don't believe in hiding behind labels or veils of any kind.

I am whitty, serious, fun, loyal and when I grow up I want to learn karate. I think plastic bugs in jello are funny. My shoes are white with cross bones and skulls. The last color I painted my toenails was gunmetal. My favorite book to read is "Opening to You" it is a Zen inspired translation of the Psalms by Norman Fischer.

I enjoy pizza, beer and a movie as much as fine dining. I appreciate the little joys in life and would like to find someone not afraid to slow down and enjoy them with me. Simple joys in case you don't know are campfires, walking on the beach, laughter, holding hands with someone special, sand on your toes, sunshine, family, music and the stars in the sky. I have no problem going out to eat by myself however, would love some company to chat with the next time I do so.

It would be easier to say what foods I don't like instead of which ones I do. I don't care for lima beans or liver. The same goes for music, easier to say what I don't care for which would be some rap.

I do believe in being true to yourself and having your own interests as well as making time for a special someone in your life. Balance is essential. I make time for people in my life. Honesty and communication is a priority. I am open to meeting at least once, from there we will see. I am independent with my own dreams but will make time for someone worth the time. Is that you?

Love and Blessings to all....

The Hearts Angst

She stands with toes at waters edge
watching the tide that never ends
she drops all from her hands
and lets the ocean breeze in

The wind has carried away her hair
making a tumbled mess
that briefly covers her eyes

There is no need for her to see
for her heart hears the steps
of angst and waiting
of wishes unfulfilled and dreams
swirling about still riddled with giddiness
that will not leave
as easily as she desire

She waits on waters edge
toes into the sand and hands empty
she reaches down to gather what she can
sand and shells
bits of dried grasses
only to watch it fall
in random patterns all about

Nothing changes
no one arrives on winds of sea
Nor along with sands
that have been dried by the mid mornings sun

She falls to the ground gently on knees
and lets her head sink to feel the beach give way
Tears mix with water and swirl about

Salt and sand
Sun and beach
Nothing in hand

Musings of a Single Mom

There are many musings to share from my brain so cluttered since I have not slowed down to write in a while. First, let's start with a funny observation. My keyboard pull out on the computer desk holds my bowl of oatmeal perfectly. It is keeping it warm while tucked away and my sleeve is unable to dip into it. Kudos to me for figuring this out. You might think this is an odd observation and quite random but if you knew everything that was in my head, no comments or posts would seem random. My pull out does not hold my keyboard, it holds my tray of beads, my portfolio and my oatmeal. The keyboard sits happily on top of the desk in front of the flat screen monitor which was so lovingly gifted upon me. Thank you cousin!

Finding Abigail is a constant endeavor. Being a single mom makes this journey a long and windy one. It is my own personal struggle of balance between wanting a family to come home to that consists of more than just my children and being all too aware that this may never happen. I am on a search for best friends, happy memories and hopefully before the end of my life I will have found someone that can not get enough of me. This works in reverse too.

So "you" want to go out on any given night and everyone is busy or sleeping. So you call no one and for yet another night you entertain yourself. If you stay at home too long, you go stir crazy. You head out and the reaction is mixed. You get stares, conversation, compliments, dances, and the occasional rude encounter. I could never understand why people in general were so surprised that a woman would go out on her own. It is not 1890 people and I am not in corsets and riding side saddle on a horse or being driven in a handsome cab. I do not put myself in danger or enter places that a lady would not want to be seen in. I do seek out fun, music and good food. If you look like a friendly bunch of people, I may invite myself to sit at your table.

Let's examine that last sentence. Remember what we are looking for? Conversation, friends, fun and happy memories all the while keeping in mind that yes, a house full of more than just three is welcomed. For the most part, people welcome this friendly invasion. Only on one occasion have I been asked to leave a table and I left so quickly and discreetly. My rambling point here I suppose is "ya people just need to all relax". I'm not out to steal your bff, bf, spouse, house, car or anything of the sorts. I bring plenty to the table and can carry on a pretty good conversation. I will not however discuss a few topics in depth and those would include politics and religion. I am not at all political and while I am religious I am not overly so. Everyone has their opinion and has a right to speak it, that is what makes this country great.

The all important factor here in my life. Kids. Two wonderful kids that I am caring for and making a life for. Not the life I had thought but still a life and I am determined to show them that life is good. I must insert a note here...it is this desire of mine to show them that I can provide a life on my own for them that keeps me going. It is also the very same desire that makes me feel unworthy of a life outside of them. Any single parent out there will understand this comment and know it is a fleeting thought.

My children are also my biggest concern as well they should be. Again, I mention this fleeting thought that I often feel I have no business having a personal or social life because I need to be here for my kids. On the flip side, I believe if you do not take care of your own needs no matter what they may be, you will not be able to care for your kids. So I let the guilt slide away in the tears and I pull up my boot straps, head into another day of work and several times a month I wander off on my own to make merry.

On other occasions I play with tinker toys or take my daughter out to dinner. I put up with objects getting thrown at me from my son and I laugh as he rolls on the floor amongst 200 or more pennies. I watch as my daughter rolls her eyes at me and walks away in exasperation. My eyes widen in amazement when my daughter actually says that she likes me. My eyes widen in pain as pebbles hit my head because my son thinks its great fun to throw them and listen to me squeal. You may have guessed that my kids are not the same ago and you have guessed correctly. My daughter is 19 and my son will be three soon.

This also makes a great topic for conversation and gets especially wide eyed looks when conversing with potential suitors. Let's all admit that it doesn't get any easier as you get older to date. Throw in kids of any age and it just got harder. Throw in a strong minded woman that has occasional relapses into mush and it just got doubly harder. Add in she doesn't sleep much, often spends far too much time wandering beaches to gather up shells that must come home, writes endlessly or has her hands in clay and fingers wrapped around wire. Toss in the need to dance to music even when there is no dance floor and add one cat who thinks he is a dog. This is my life. Welcome 2011!! Bring on the happiness....