Closing thought .....
I vowed to never again lose myself in a man
which I didn't
I actually found myself in a man....
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Fling the Gnat
Just like the incessant little pest deserves! Imagine the gnat, cute in all aspects but really just a pest. He minds his own business which is pretty much spent occupying the space close enough to your ear for you to feel his wings buzz and whir. His high pitched fever whirl wind buzzing, diving and then just simply pissing you off.
I do this, fling the gnat. Call it what you may but its figurative for so many stressors in life. I could also say "flick the seed". Imagine the seeds that plant themselves in your brain and your heart. The seeds of fear and doubt which just like a pesty little gnat needs to be flung away. Take the seed between your able fingers long before it plants itself and fling it away into oblivion. Do not argue with the seed or try and reason with it. Do not give it nourishment or acknowledgment of any kind. Simply banish it before it takes hold.
As you watch the seed catapult from your fingers you can actually feel the stress leave. There is no need to reason it away for it no longer exists. You have ridden your beautiful garden of the pest before it took hold. Yes, obviously a metaphor but not such an obvious one to some readers. The gnat or seed is doubt and fear. We do not need to let these into our life.
Doubt weakens our beliefs and fear stops us from believing. Let either one in and everything we have worked for is gone. My life is an English garden, wandering and without what seems to be a plan but when viewed from the right angle is magical and quite complex. I gather all that is around me and I cherish these things. I love people for a lifetime and let go of all fear and doubt.
Someday my garden will be complete and I will stand in the middle with the sun on my face while the scent of lilacs fill the air. Laughter intermixes with songs of blue birds and butterflies make merry while enjoying the bounty. I tell myself these things but in all reality, they are only said to keep fear and doubt away.
Fear does not come into play so much. I do not fear death, debt or loss of loved ones. I have endured these things already. Doubt. Doubt is a nasty little pest. I realize I do not fear doubt either. It is a nasty little pest that is so small and insignificant that I do not register it. It is the wondering if I have made a difference in someones life. This is what I fear, I fear I have not.
I do this, fling the gnat. Call it what you may but its figurative for so many stressors in life. I could also say "flick the seed". Imagine the seeds that plant themselves in your brain and your heart. The seeds of fear and doubt which just like a pesty little gnat needs to be flung away. Take the seed between your able fingers long before it plants itself and fling it away into oblivion. Do not argue with the seed or try and reason with it. Do not give it nourishment or acknowledgment of any kind. Simply banish it before it takes hold.
As you watch the seed catapult from your fingers you can actually feel the stress leave. There is no need to reason it away for it no longer exists. You have ridden your beautiful garden of the pest before it took hold. Yes, obviously a metaphor but not such an obvious one to some readers. The gnat or seed is doubt and fear. We do not need to let these into our life.
Doubt weakens our beliefs and fear stops us from believing. Let either one in and everything we have worked for is gone. My life is an English garden, wandering and without what seems to be a plan but when viewed from the right angle is magical and quite complex. I gather all that is around me and I cherish these things. I love people for a lifetime and let go of all fear and doubt.
Someday my garden will be complete and I will stand in the middle with the sun on my face while the scent of lilacs fill the air. Laughter intermixes with songs of blue birds and butterflies make merry while enjoying the bounty. I tell myself these things but in all reality, they are only said to keep fear and doubt away.
Fear does not come into play so much. I do not fear death, debt or loss of loved ones. I have endured these things already. Doubt. Doubt is a nasty little pest. I realize I do not fear doubt either. It is a nasty little pest that is so small and insignificant that I do not register it. It is the wondering if I have made a difference in someones life. This is what I fear, I fear I have not.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Little to None
I cried more than I slept last night. This incessant river of tears caused me to wake with swollen eyes and an aching heart. I let these tears run sideways from one eye into another and stain my pillow. I opened this aching heart up wide this evening to let it all out so that I may hopefully heal and get back to my life. I pray for no more sleepless nights.
If I were to be selfish, I would pray for so much more but I know better than to ask for things that will never come. I have lived my life out on a limb, reaching for the last blossom only to find that it has withered away. My heart and mind go hand in hand, working on piecing themselves back together.
My daughter made an observation today that for someone who is so "normal" and doesn't like drama I certainly seem to have a lot of it in my life and most of the time it is not my doing.
Praying for peace, bliss and harmony for all. May the rain wash away all sadness and if this does not come to fruition, remember who walks by your side always and will not fail you. GOD.
If I were to be selfish, I would pray for so much more but I know better than to ask for things that will never come. I have lived my life out on a limb, reaching for the last blossom only to find that it has withered away. My heart and mind go hand in hand, working on piecing themselves back together.
My daughter made an observation today that for someone who is so "normal" and doesn't like drama I certainly seem to have a lot of it in my life and most of the time it is not my doing.
Praying for peace, bliss and harmony for all. May the rain wash away all sadness and if this does not come to fruition, remember who walks by your side always and will not fail you. GOD.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Time Flies....
Wow, It has been more than a month since I have visited here. No words have laid to rest anywhere except on my tongue ever so briefly. I have spent countless hours conversing with my best friend over the past month but have taken no time to write anything down.
What has kept me so busy that I have failed to pay attention to my first love? Writing, that is. I'm going to list them for you in a seemingly random fashion...
Summer...which brings another distraction...sunshine...which leads to the beach which brings another distraction....water!...which brings another distraction...a comfy stretch of sand...which brings yet another distraction...a log! While I sit at this log, I contemplate all the pretty little things swirling about my head. Love, men, connection, campfires, marshmellows, kids, shovels to dig in the shimmering sand and life.
I love summer and as it winds down I welcome the cool night air, the stars that blink at me and although this may seem silly, I welcome the neighborhood dogs that wander around with tennis balls in their mouths. They wag their tails, they do not drop their ball and it seems they smile at me through their grey whiskers and I catch a glint of mischief in their sparkling eyes. They love summer too, it seems.
Autumn is sneaking up on us....
What has kept me so busy that I have failed to pay attention to my first love? Writing, that is. I'm going to list them for you in a seemingly random fashion...
Summer...which brings another distraction...sunshine...which leads to the beach which brings another distraction....water!...which brings another distraction...a comfy stretch of sand...which brings yet another distraction...a log! While I sit at this log, I contemplate all the pretty little things swirling about my head. Love, men, connection, campfires, marshmellows, kids, shovels to dig in the shimmering sand and life.
I love summer and as it winds down I welcome the cool night air, the stars that blink at me and although this may seem silly, I welcome the neighborhood dogs that wander around with tennis balls in their mouths. They wag their tails, they do not drop their ball and it seems they smile at me through their grey whiskers and I catch a glint of mischief in their sparkling eyes. They love summer too, it seems.
Autumn is sneaking up on us....
Monday, July 26, 2010
Hello Brain, Meet my Heart
I am beginning to wonder...
What man would meet, date and eventually successfully marry an artist of any type. Notice I said successfully. Simple, artists are not. Complex, intelligent and tasty. Not to mention often spiced with a sense of humor even while being unable to recite actual jokes, like me. I am joke handicapped.
I would love to hear from my followers, many of you are artists. We are unique, to say the least. We usually have multiple interests and don't sit idle for long. This writing at the computer is the closest I come to sitting still. Many of you, like me are more than likely also insomniacs. God forbid we miss out on starlight, moonlight or daylight for that matter. There just is not enough time in the day, seriously for all that I want and need to do.
I am not joking when I say I want to open my own cafe/coffee house complete with clothes closet and soup kitchen. In it I would also have a gift shop area to sell handcrafted items and if able, I would offer boarding either for people on the spectrum or the broken hearted. This last one is a new concept that I am sure my business plan writer will have a field day with. I want to offer temporary housing to women who have no where to go and have to or want to leave their husbands.
And yes, I am growing my hair out for Locks of Love. This is going to be as tough as opening my own brick and mortar store. Already, I am not liking the way my hair is laying. I need a hat. I have ventured to Target twice and tried them on, even found one I like a lot. But it is WOOL and it is summer!
I am rambling and my words are getting a bit off topic. Where was I going with this? I know....
I consider myself an artist. I am in no particular hurry to meet someone new. I really should concentrate on my goals. Refer to my other blog to read on those. Publish, school, work, jewelry, store. Those are my goals in a nutshell. I write on four blogs, associatedcontent.com, in journals and now, I am writing a story. I also create jewelry and small sculptures and beads with clay. I can paint a little and do rub on art. I took a few lamp working classes and if I kept it up, I may be ok. I once learned to play the violin. I even dabbled in stamping. I can sew, bake and decorate.
My thought here is who the heck is going to understand all that I want to do and all that is in my head and give me the time and space to do it? All the while remembering that I tend to give 200% and will make the time for people in my life. Especially someone who would understand and embrace my thoughts and lifestyle. That's another subject. I have forgone china, big houses, cable tv and more to live simply to create. Not only does a person have to understand that but they have to be non judgmental, patient and passionate. They would have to look past my skull and cross bone tennis shoes, my silver spoon rings, my gunmetal nail polish and see my soul.
These things I wear, they are like a shield against what I will call suits. God love them and someone has to be them but I want someone willing to be silly. I have never met a "suit" that was silly. That same person would also have to sit down and drink coffee with me and stick their nose in a book or watch old movies and play Monopoly, Scrabble and Yahtzee. If they loved the sound of water as much as race cars then even better!
Yep, hello brain, meet my heart.
Let's face it. Not only are we artist types not simple folks but brain, heart, soul, physical, mental...all connected. Dot to dot. I have met some that are close to this that are not artists. But it seems I meet many that have a broken chain. No dot to dot, something is missing.
Another goal of mine is to change the world one word at a time. If I can make you question, think, analyze, make a change in your life or someone else's then, I have done well.
What man would meet, date and eventually successfully marry an artist of any type. Notice I said successfully. Simple, artists are not. Complex, intelligent and tasty. Not to mention often spiced with a sense of humor even while being unable to recite actual jokes, like me. I am joke handicapped.
I would love to hear from my followers, many of you are artists. We are unique, to say the least. We usually have multiple interests and don't sit idle for long. This writing at the computer is the closest I come to sitting still. Many of you, like me are more than likely also insomniacs. God forbid we miss out on starlight, moonlight or daylight for that matter. There just is not enough time in the day, seriously for all that I want and need to do.
I am not joking when I say I want to open my own cafe/coffee house complete with clothes closet and soup kitchen. In it I would also have a gift shop area to sell handcrafted items and if able, I would offer boarding either for people on the spectrum or the broken hearted. This last one is a new concept that I am sure my business plan writer will have a field day with. I want to offer temporary housing to women who have no where to go and have to or want to leave their husbands.
And yes, I am growing my hair out for Locks of Love. This is going to be as tough as opening my own brick and mortar store. Already, I am not liking the way my hair is laying. I need a hat. I have ventured to Target twice and tried them on, even found one I like a lot. But it is WOOL and it is summer!
I am rambling and my words are getting a bit off topic. Where was I going with this? I know....
I consider myself an artist. I am in no particular hurry to meet someone new. I really should concentrate on my goals. Refer to my other blog to read on those. Publish, school, work, jewelry, store. Those are my goals in a nutshell. I write on four blogs, associatedcontent.com, in journals and now, I am writing a story. I also create jewelry and small sculptures and beads with clay. I can paint a little and do rub on art. I took a few lamp working classes and if I kept it up, I may be ok. I once learned to play the violin. I even dabbled in stamping. I can sew, bake and decorate.
My thought here is who the heck is going to understand all that I want to do and all that is in my head and give me the time and space to do it? All the while remembering that I tend to give 200% and will make the time for people in my life. Especially someone who would understand and embrace my thoughts and lifestyle. That's another subject. I have forgone china, big houses, cable tv and more to live simply to create. Not only does a person have to understand that but they have to be non judgmental, patient and passionate. They would have to look past my skull and cross bone tennis shoes, my silver spoon rings, my gunmetal nail polish and see my soul.
These things I wear, they are like a shield against what I will call suits. God love them and someone has to be them but I want someone willing to be silly. I have never met a "suit" that was silly. That same person would also have to sit down and drink coffee with me and stick their nose in a book or watch old movies and play Monopoly, Scrabble and Yahtzee. If they loved the sound of water as much as race cars then even better!
Yep, hello brain, meet my heart.
Let's face it. Not only are we artist types not simple folks but brain, heart, soul, physical, mental...all connected. Dot to dot. I have met some that are close to this that are not artists. But it seems I meet many that have a broken chain. No dot to dot, something is missing.
Another goal of mine is to change the world one word at a time. If I can make you question, think, analyze, make a change in your life or someone else's then, I have done well.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Must You Ask? For I am in Waiting
I am at that point today, in waiting. Feeling like something is about to happen and I can not leave the house for I feel like I might miss something if I do. I have many thoughts rattling about in my head that won't come together for I find myself fighting them. When I put myself in this predicament, I read my previous writings to try and gain insight. Funny thought, isn't it? To gain insight into yourself.
The questions that are asked by me or other people seem to be the same. Or perhaps we are just fishing for the same answers. I am unable to lie so when I am presented with a question I am not ready for I simply say "I don't know". It's not a lie really; it’s just that I truly don't know. I don't know if I am ready to answer the question that is. An even better admission is I am not ready to tell myself the answer.
I need a place to retreat to and I am physically unable to do so. Hours and hours will pass before I am able to truly retreat. I am finding I want and require more "head space". I can no longer find it where I am at. I can usually accomplish this separation of space, head and heart no matter where I am geographically. Frustration of the task not completed is small; almost none, for I know there is no way around it. I just accept it. When the time is right, I will find what I need.
Sometimes answering your own questions require the most space. In the past, I had busied myself with multiple tasks in order to push my thoughts away until I felt I had time for them. Now, I wish not to be so busy. I am not in a hurry nor do I wish to be. I am hoping life cooperates on this small detail with me and I can take the time I need to make the right decisions. For now, yes..I am in waiting. But this waiting will be brief and the answers will come. Everything is tied together in a nice, artistic way as if gossamer ribbon carefully holds it all together.
I am thinking this not wanting to leave the house is not so much a feeling that I will miss something but rather I will set things into motion faster by leaving. It is not as if I can slow things any by hiding away. I only need moments of clarity and the will to speak my mind without worry what others will think. If I hesitate, it is because I have wandered this path before and my words were not heard. The words were heard but not believed. I will try again to say them, different words this time but still with the same intent and feeling behind them.
It takes courage to speak any words, let alone the full naked truth. Are you ready to listen to anyone approaching you today with all the words that spill out?
The questions that are asked by me or other people seem to be the same. Or perhaps we are just fishing for the same answers. I am unable to lie so when I am presented with a question I am not ready for I simply say "I don't know". It's not a lie really; it’s just that I truly don't know. I don't know if I am ready to answer the question that is. An even better admission is I am not ready to tell myself the answer.
I need a place to retreat to and I am physically unable to do so. Hours and hours will pass before I am able to truly retreat. I am finding I want and require more "head space". I can no longer find it where I am at. I can usually accomplish this separation of space, head and heart no matter where I am geographically. Frustration of the task not completed is small; almost none, for I know there is no way around it. I just accept it. When the time is right, I will find what I need.
Sometimes answering your own questions require the most space. In the past, I had busied myself with multiple tasks in order to push my thoughts away until I felt I had time for them. Now, I wish not to be so busy. I am not in a hurry nor do I wish to be. I am hoping life cooperates on this small detail with me and I can take the time I need to make the right decisions. For now, yes..I am in waiting. But this waiting will be brief and the answers will come. Everything is tied together in a nice, artistic way as if gossamer ribbon carefully holds it all together.
I am thinking this not wanting to leave the house is not so much a feeling that I will miss something but rather I will set things into motion faster by leaving. It is not as if I can slow things any by hiding away. I only need moments of clarity and the will to speak my mind without worry what others will think. If I hesitate, it is because I have wandered this path before and my words were not heard. The words were heard but not believed. I will try again to say them, different words this time but still with the same intent and feeling behind them.
It takes courage to speak any words, let alone the full naked truth. Are you ready to listen to anyone approaching you today with all the words that spill out?
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Acceptance and Deep Waters
"Sometimes in our search for love and acceptance we are eager to grab onto the first thing that comes our way. We are blind. This doesn't make us any less deserving or important. It doesn't make us any less sincere or lame in any way. It makes us human and more importantly, shows we have a heart which in the end may be seem a little worse for wear but is actually stronger and more capable of greater acts of love."
The above is what I wrote to a friend recently who is looking for a connection with someone. Not marriage, more than friendship but a true connection. I think the majority of us are looking for a true connection with someone even if it be a life long friend. I believe that sometimes connections are started long before we realize it. How do you remember a name of someone and not another? How is it that you feel comfortable with a person after a very short time together as if you have been together your whole life?
More importantly at least in my mind at the moment is if the longevity of a relationship will be affected if you voice your pleasure in these things. I always thought if a person cared for you on the same level then, sharing your thoughts would only cement things. Now, I am beginning to wonder if it is the opposite...you know, like bad cement. Cement that weighs things down and makes you feel claustrophobic to the point of wanting to be deaf so you don't have to hear the words spoken to you.
Additionally, I am not even sure labels are appropriate. Labels like "relationship". Does this just box us in even further? I have never thought this way before. I am now because I like someone that I want to treat rather delicately because I want to keep him around. Delicate is a funny word to use in the same train of thought with this man. I don't believe there is anything delicate about him but I could be wrong. Men are so different.
I like the way he walks and dips towards me so he can get closer to talk. I watch his movements and am feeling a bit drawn in by him. His kisses take my breath away and even make me pause. I love the sound of his voice and how sometimes I hear softness in it. I am in "it" and I know it.
Its like being in a lake and realizing your in the deep water. You welcome it, the coolness and the buoyancy of your body while there. You can float away and dream and not have a care. Light streaks through the water and mesmerizes you. It could be moonlight or sunlight, it makes no difference for now you are finding you would rather stay awake to savor all of life's moments.
A happy life is made up of these, little moments that we don't want to let go of. Special people that without even trying make our world a better place. In my world; the sun is always shining, the birds are always singing and the rain when it falls plays music as it lands.
I always reread my posts before actually publishing them. I feel the need to explain about special people and being "blind". Everyone has something very special about them, unique to them. When someone shares insight, a talent, their time or knowledge it is a special thing. They are sharing bits of themselves and I appreciate these things. You don't have to be extremely important, hold a high level job or be a rock star to be special. I find things in almost every person I know that are unique and special to them and I enjoy finding them out.
On the subject of being "blind". We don't always know we are behaving this way. I say behaving because we all know I do not mean literally we can not see. We choose not to see certain things in the midst of a relationship. We can be blind to some things and make allowances for others. Often, we discover we are willing to overlook things we never thought we could. We do this because all of the special things about a person outweighs that one thing that maybe before would have mattered.
I am walking with my eyes wide open and loving life. Life is too short to live with regrets and also too short to spend worrying about things that will more than likely never come to fruition.
Blessings to all,
Tera
The above is what I wrote to a friend recently who is looking for a connection with someone. Not marriage, more than friendship but a true connection. I think the majority of us are looking for a true connection with someone even if it be a life long friend. I believe that sometimes connections are started long before we realize it. How do you remember a name of someone and not another? How is it that you feel comfortable with a person after a very short time together as if you have been together your whole life?
More importantly at least in my mind at the moment is if the longevity of a relationship will be affected if you voice your pleasure in these things. I always thought if a person cared for you on the same level then, sharing your thoughts would only cement things. Now, I am beginning to wonder if it is the opposite...you know, like bad cement. Cement that weighs things down and makes you feel claustrophobic to the point of wanting to be deaf so you don't have to hear the words spoken to you.
Additionally, I am not even sure labels are appropriate. Labels like "relationship". Does this just box us in even further? I have never thought this way before. I am now because I like someone that I want to treat rather delicately because I want to keep him around. Delicate is a funny word to use in the same train of thought with this man. I don't believe there is anything delicate about him but I could be wrong. Men are so different.
I like the way he walks and dips towards me so he can get closer to talk. I watch his movements and am feeling a bit drawn in by him. His kisses take my breath away and even make me pause. I love the sound of his voice and how sometimes I hear softness in it. I am in "it" and I know it.
Its like being in a lake and realizing your in the deep water. You welcome it, the coolness and the buoyancy of your body while there. You can float away and dream and not have a care. Light streaks through the water and mesmerizes you. It could be moonlight or sunlight, it makes no difference for now you are finding you would rather stay awake to savor all of life's moments.
A happy life is made up of these, little moments that we don't want to let go of. Special people that without even trying make our world a better place. In my world; the sun is always shining, the birds are always singing and the rain when it falls plays music as it lands.
I always reread my posts before actually publishing them. I feel the need to explain about special people and being "blind". Everyone has something very special about them, unique to them. When someone shares insight, a talent, their time or knowledge it is a special thing. They are sharing bits of themselves and I appreciate these things. You don't have to be extremely important, hold a high level job or be a rock star to be special. I find things in almost every person I know that are unique and special to them and I enjoy finding them out.
On the subject of being "blind". We don't always know we are behaving this way. I say behaving because we all know I do not mean literally we can not see. We choose not to see certain things in the midst of a relationship. We can be blind to some things and make allowances for others. Often, we discover we are willing to overlook things we never thought we could. We do this because all of the special things about a person outweighs that one thing that maybe before would have mattered.
I am walking with my eyes wide open and loving life. Life is too short to live with regrets and also too short to spend worrying about things that will more than likely never come to fruition.
Blessings to all,
Tera
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