The Hearts Angst

She stands with toes at waters edge
watching the tide that never ends
she drops all from her hands
and lets the ocean breeze in

The wind has carried away her hair
making a tumbled mess
that briefly covers her eyes

There is no need for her to see
for her heart hears the steps
of angst and waiting
of wishes unfulfilled and dreams
swirling about still riddled with giddiness
that will not leave
as easily as she desire

She waits on waters edge
toes into the sand and hands empty
she reaches down to gather what she can
sand and shells
bits of dried grasses
only to watch it fall
in random patterns all about

Nothing changes
no one arrives on winds of sea
Nor along with sands
that have been dried by the mid mornings sun

She falls to the ground gently on knees
and lets her head sink to feel the beach give way
Tears mix with water and swirl about

Salt and sand
Sun and beach
Nothing in hand

Musings of a Single Mom

There are many musings to share from my brain so cluttered since I have not slowed down to write in a while. First, let's start with a funny observation. My keyboard pull out on the computer desk holds my bowl of oatmeal perfectly. It is keeping it warm while tucked away and my sleeve is unable to dip into it. Kudos to me for figuring this out. You might think this is an odd observation and quite random but if you knew everything that was in my head, no comments or posts would seem random. My pull out does not hold my keyboard, it holds my tray of beads, my portfolio and my oatmeal. The keyboard sits happily on top of the desk in front of the flat screen monitor which was so lovingly gifted upon me. Thank you cousin!

Finding Abigail is a constant endeavor. Being a single mom makes this journey a long and windy one. It is my own personal struggle of balance between wanting a family to come home to that consists of more than just my children and being all too aware that this may never happen. I am on a search for best friends, happy memories and hopefully before the end of my life I will have found someone that can not get enough of me. This works in reverse too.

So "you" want to go out on any given night and everyone is busy or sleeping. So you call no one and for yet another night you entertain yourself. If you stay at home too long, you go stir crazy. You head out and the reaction is mixed. You get stares, conversation, compliments, dances, and the occasional rude encounter. I could never understand why people in general were so surprised that a woman would go out on her own. It is not 1890 people and I am not in corsets and riding side saddle on a horse or being driven in a handsome cab. I do not put myself in danger or enter places that a lady would not want to be seen in. I do seek out fun, music and good food. If you look like a friendly bunch of people, I may invite myself to sit at your table.

Let's examine that last sentence. Remember what we are looking for? Conversation, friends, fun and happy memories all the while keeping in mind that yes, a house full of more than just three is welcomed. For the most part, people welcome this friendly invasion. Only on one occasion have I been asked to leave a table and I left so quickly and discreetly. My rambling point here I suppose is "ya people just need to all relax". I'm not out to steal your bff, bf, spouse, house, car or anything of the sorts. I bring plenty to the table and can carry on a pretty good conversation. I will not however discuss a few topics in depth and those would include politics and religion. I am not at all political and while I am religious I am not overly so. Everyone has their opinion and has a right to speak it, that is what makes this country great.

The all important factor here in my life. Kids. Two wonderful kids that I am caring for and making a life for. Not the life I had thought but still a life and I am determined to show them that life is good. I must insert a note here...it is this desire of mine to show them that I can provide a life on my own for them that keeps me going. It is also the very same desire that makes me feel unworthy of a life outside of them. Any single parent out there will understand this comment and know it is a fleeting thought.

My children are also my biggest concern as well they should be. Again, I mention this fleeting thought that I often feel I have no business having a personal or social life because I need to be here for my kids. On the flip side, I believe if you do not take care of your own needs no matter what they may be, you will not be able to care for your kids. So I let the guilt slide away in the tears and I pull up my boot straps, head into another day of work and several times a month I wander off on my own to make merry.

On other occasions I play with tinker toys or take my daughter out to dinner. I put up with objects getting thrown at me from my son and I laugh as he rolls on the floor amongst 200 or more pennies. I watch as my daughter rolls her eyes at me and walks away in exasperation. My eyes widen in amazement when my daughter actually says that she likes me. My eyes widen in pain as pebbles hit my head because my son thinks its great fun to throw them and listen to me squeal. You may have guessed that my kids are not the same ago and you have guessed correctly. My daughter is 19 and my son will be three soon.

This also makes a great topic for conversation and gets especially wide eyed looks when conversing with potential suitors. Let's all admit that it doesn't get any easier as you get older to date. Throw in kids of any age and it just got harder. Throw in a strong minded woman that has occasional relapses into mush and it just got doubly harder. Add in she doesn't sleep much, often spends far too much time wandering beaches to gather up shells that must come home, writes endlessly or has her hands in clay and fingers wrapped around wire. Toss in the need to dance to music even when there is no dance floor and add one cat who thinks he is a dog. This is my life. Welcome 2011!! Bring on the happiness....

Lost and Found

Closing thought .....

I vowed to never again lose myself in a man
which I didn't
I actually found myself in a man....

Fling the Gnat

Just like the incessant little pest deserves! Imagine the gnat, cute in all aspects but really just a pest. He minds his own business which is pretty much spent occupying the space close enough to your ear for you to feel his wings buzz and whir. His high pitched fever whirl wind buzzing, diving and then just simply pissing you off.

I do this, fling the gnat. Call it what you may but its figurative for so many stressors in life. I could also say "flick the seed". Imagine the seeds that plant themselves in your brain and your heart. The seeds of fear and doubt which just like a pesty little gnat needs to be flung away. Take the seed between your able fingers long before it plants itself and fling it away into oblivion. Do not argue with the seed or try and reason with it. Do not give it nourishment or acknowledgment of any kind. Simply banish it before it takes hold.

As you watch the seed catapult from your fingers you can actually feel the stress leave. There is no need to reason it away for it no longer exists. You have ridden your beautiful garden of the pest before it took hold. Yes, obviously a metaphor but not such an obvious one to some readers. The gnat or seed is doubt and fear. We do not need to let these into our life.

Doubt weakens our beliefs and fear stops us from believing. Let either one in and everything we have worked for is gone. My life is an English garden, wandering and without what seems to be a plan but when viewed from the right angle is magical and quite complex. I gather all that is around me and I cherish these things. I love people for a lifetime and let go of all fear and doubt.

Someday my garden will be complete and I will stand in the middle with the sun on my face while the scent of lilacs fill the air. Laughter intermixes with songs of blue birds and butterflies make merry while enjoying the bounty. I tell myself these things but in all reality, they are only said to keep fear and doubt away.

Fear does not come into play so much. I do not fear death, debt or loss of loved ones. I have endured these things already. Doubt. Doubt is a nasty little pest. I realize I do not fear doubt either. It is a nasty little pest that is so small and insignificant that I do not register it. It is the wondering if I have made a difference in someones life. This is what I fear, I fear I have not.

Little to None

I cried more than I slept last night. This incessant river of tears caused me to wake with swollen eyes and an aching heart. I let these tears run sideways from one eye into another and stain my pillow. I opened this aching heart up wide this evening to let it all out so that I may hopefully heal and get back to my life. I pray for no more sleepless nights.

If I were to be selfish, I would pray for so much more but I know better than to ask for things that will never come. I have lived my life out on a limb, reaching for the last blossom only to find that it has withered away. My heart and mind go hand in hand, working on piecing themselves back together.


My daughter made an observation today that for someone who is so "normal" and doesn't like drama I certainly seem to have a lot of it in my life and most of the time it is not my doing.

Praying for peace, bliss and harmony for all. May the rain wash away all sadness and if this does not come to fruition, remember who walks by your side always and will not fail you. GOD.

Time Flies....

Wow, It has been more than a month since I have visited here. No words have laid to rest anywhere except on my tongue ever so briefly. I have spent countless hours conversing with my best friend over the past month but have taken no time to write anything down.

What has kept me so busy that I have failed to pay attention to my first love? Writing, that is. I'm going to list them for you in a seemingly random fashion...

Summer...which brings another distraction...sunshine...which leads to the beach which brings another distraction....water!...which brings another distraction...a comfy stretch of sand...which brings yet another distraction...a log! While I sit at this log, I contemplate all the pretty little things swirling about my head. Love, men, connection, campfires, marshmellows, kids, shovels to dig in the shimmering sand and life.

I love summer and as it winds down I welcome the cool night air, the stars that blink at me and although this may seem silly, I welcome the neighborhood dogs that wander around with tennis balls in their mouths. They wag their tails, they do not drop their ball and it seems they smile at me through their grey whiskers and I catch a glint of mischief in their sparkling eyes. They love summer too, it seems.

Autumn is sneaking up on us....

Hello Brain, Meet my Heart

I am beginning to wonder...

What man would meet, date and eventually successfully marry an artist of any type. Notice I said successfully. Simple, artists are not. Complex, intelligent and tasty. Not to mention often spiced with a sense of humor even while being unable to recite actual jokes, like me. I am joke handicapped.

I would love to hear from my followers, many of you are artists. We are unique, to say the least. We usually have multiple interests and don't sit idle for long. This writing at the computer is the closest I come to sitting still. Many of you, like me are more than likely also insomniacs. God forbid we miss out on starlight, moonlight or daylight for that matter. There just is not enough time in the day, seriously for all that I want and need to do.

I am not joking when I say I want to open my own cafe/coffee house complete with clothes closet and soup kitchen. In it I would also have a gift shop area to sell handcrafted items and if able, I would offer boarding either for people on the spectrum or the broken hearted. This last one is a new concept that I am sure my business plan writer will have a field day with. I want to offer temporary housing to women who have no where to go and have to or want to leave their husbands.

And yes, I am growing my hair out for Locks of Love. This is going to be as tough as opening my own brick and mortar store. Already, I am not liking the way my hair is laying. I need a hat. I have ventured to Target twice and tried them on, even found one I like a lot. But it is WOOL and it is summer!

I am rambling and my words are getting a bit off topic. Where was I going with this? I know....

I consider myself an artist. I am in no particular hurry to meet someone new. I really should concentrate on my goals. Refer to my other blog to read on those. Publish, school, work, jewelry, store. Those are my goals in a nutshell. I write on four blogs, associatedcontent.com, in journals and now, I am writing a story. I also create jewelry and small sculptures and beads with clay. I can paint a little and do rub on art. I took a few lamp working classes and if I kept it up, I may be ok. I once learned to play the violin. I even dabbled in stamping. I can sew, bake and decorate.

My thought here is who the heck is going to understand all that I want to do and all that is in my head and give me the time and space to do it? All the while remembering that I tend to give 200% and will make the time for people in my life. Especially someone who would understand and embrace my thoughts and lifestyle. That's another subject. I have forgone china, big houses, cable tv and more to live simply to create. Not only does a person have to understand that but they have to be non judgmental, patient and passionate. They would have to look past my skull and cross bone tennis shoes, my silver spoon rings, my gunmetal nail polish and see my soul.

These things I wear, they are like a shield against what I will call suits. God love them and someone has to be them but I want someone willing to be silly. I have never met a "suit" that was silly. That same person would also have to sit down and drink coffee with me and stick their nose in a book or watch old movies and play Monopoly, Scrabble and Yahtzee. If they loved the sound of water as much as race cars then even better!


Yep, hello brain, meet my heart.

Let's face it. Not only are we artist types not simple folks but brain, heart, soul, physical, mental...all connected. Dot to dot. I have met some that are close to this that are not artists. But it seems I meet many that have a broken chain. No dot to dot, something is missing.

Another goal of mine is to change the world one word at a time. If I can make you question, think, analyze, make a change in your life or someone else's then, I have done well.